Kindness Rejections

Last night we had the virtual monthly meeting of the Kindness Book Club (yes, there is a Kindness Book Club!!).  We are reading a book called “A Year of Living Kindly” by Donna Cameron.  The book is split into 12 sections, which makes it perfect to meet monthly to discuss.

Our topic this meeting was “Resistance to Kindness”.  If you have never sat down to ponder it (or read Ms. Cameron’s book), you might not have considered that there are, indeed, barriers and resistance to kindness.  And that resistance applies in both directions – in GIVING and in RECEIVING kindness. 

It was an interesting read and even better to talk about with the other group members.  The author examined the topic from several angles.  For example, let’s say someone pays you a compliment.  Compliments are KINDNESS in action.  The book quotes another author, Dr. Dale Turner, who said, “When someone gives you a compliment in words, don’t disagree or minimize what he said, for words are gifts, too.  Accept them gracefully, even if you don’t think you deserve them…  A compliment is a gift not to be thrown away carelessly unless you want to hurt the giver”. 

Oh my – that shines a different light on my (and many other females’) often instant reaction to compliments.  “Susan – your outfit is so cute today!” a friend might say.  To which I may respond, “Oh, this?  I got it free from a neighbor.  It doesn’t really fit me that great…”.  Or if someone compliments my work as an interpreter.  “Hey, you were amazing interpreting that meeting.  It went so smoothly, and your word choices were terrific”.  To which I often say things like, “Oh thanks…  But ugh.  I could not think of the English word for that sign.  I felt like I was fumbling trying to piece that one sentence together…” or some other derogatory comment about my own work. 

When I (when WE) do that, we unconsciously offend the compliment giver.  In a sense, we take the beautifully wrapped compliment they handed us, shake the box around a bit, and hand the present right back to them.  Rude, right?

Another chapter talked about how no kindness is ever too small, and that we should be on the look-out for “TNT”s – Tiny Noticeable Things.  They are the small bits of kindness that are scattered throughout our day that many of us are too busy to notice.  TNTs are not big, grand gestures.  They are the opposite – little things that we can do (or receive) that, if we notice them, can make the world a better place.  Because, you see, these TNTs add up.  One smile from a stranger.  One wave from a child on a bus.  One person holding the door…  Tiny thing compounded with another tiny thing added to yet another tiny thing…  Until, if we are observant, they are not TINY anymore, but they have grown into a great big blob of kindness! 

But the chapter that held my attention most was the one about the phenomenon of people REJECTING the kindness that we offer them.  Oh, that subject hit home with me!

We often have our efforts rejected in our work with Kindness Activist.  That is something I didn’t expect when I set out on this adventure.  I guess I subconsciously just assumed that if we were to OFFER kindness to someone, they would of course ACCEPT it.  But I have learned that is not the case…

·      The people in grocery stores who refuse to let us pay for their order.

·      The people in cars at the red light who won’t roll down their windows when we smile and hold up a sign saying HAPPY PI DAY and try to give them a pie.

·      The strangers who refuse to make eye contact, let alone return my greeting, when I smile and say hello to them.

People reject kindness often.  That’s why when I talk with groups about Kindness Activist, I often say you have to be willing to fail at giving kindness.  You have to have thick skin to be kind.  You have to be brave! 

In “A Year of Living Kindly”, the author talks about how once the kindness we have offered is rejected by someone, it may make it difficult for us to try again the next time.  We may hesitate.  After all, no one likes feeling scorned.

I know that this is true in our kindness work.  I recall times when we offered to pay for someone’s groceries and they said no (usually it is a polite no, but a no none the less).  It’s so awkward!!  We are literally standing right next to them.  Where do we move to?  What do we say?  What do we do??  AWKWARD! 

What we usually do is walk away (feeling embarrassed).  We re-group.  And we look for another person to be kind to.  Only, once we have failed at giving kindness, we are not as eager to get back on the horse and try again…  I come up with LOTS of excuses in my head.  “Oh, that person will not accept if we offer – they have quite a lot of groceries and they will think it is too much money…”.  And, “Oh, let’s not ask that man.  Men always say no!” (which is a gross overgeneralization, but honestly, men do reject our offers of kindness more often than women do).  I am embarrassed to admit that we have sometimes given up and just left the store after being rejected.  (We always try again another time, but I feel more trepidatious and less excited…)

I tell you about these failures because I wanted to share a story of something that happened just today.  I failed at kindness today.  But I didn’t give up this time!  And I think that is because we had talked about this very topic at book club last night.

This morning, I saw a post in a large Facebook group called “Arlington Neighbors Helping Each Other”, a group that has 51,600 members.  A woman wrote explaining that she had taken down her previous post because of the mean spirited, negative comments that were made on it. 

I had not seen the original post, but could surmise from comments on the newer one that it had been about warning neighbors of a potentially dangerous situation at a local school.  The woman felt attacked by some commenters, so much so that she cried at work.

I felt angry.  I was mad that people felt emboldened to attack her for what she had said, especially in a group literally named “Neighbors Helping Each Other”. 

But after I got mad, I commented.  I told her that I was sorry people had been mean and disrespectful to her.  And I asked her to please check her messages because I was writing to her.

Because… 

I realized that this sad situation presented a perfect opportunity for KINDNESS! 

I wrote: “Hi there. I just saw your post in the Arlington Neighbors page. I didn't see the deleted post, but I want to say that I'm sorry people were nasty and mean.  I used to think our town was somehow different and that hatred wouldn't get here, but sadly it has.  I founded and run a non-profit called Kindness Activist. We exist to spread kindness. I know it's not much, and it's not like it will change the world, but we would love to treat you to lunch today. We can have something delivered.”

I was excited to see when she had read the message.  But then her rejection of my kindness popped in…

“Hi Susan! Thank you for reaching out! I really appreciate the offer, but maybe that lunch can be given to someone more in need! I think with everything going on it just makes me sad.  …The comments on the post just got to me.”

Dang!  Rejection.

Only, because we had talked through this very topic last night, I decided to give it one more shot.  Yes, I was a bit embarrassed and I didn’t want to seem like I was groveling.  And maybe it was easier to try a 2^nd time because this was over a keyboard and not standing next to her at a restaurant…

So, I said, “Our philosophy is that EVERYONE deserves kindness!  Some of our work is needs based, but some is what we like to call "magic based". We would love to gift you lunch if you are open to it, just to add a tiny ray of sunshine to your crappy day.”

She read my message.

She seemed to think about it for a moment…

AND THEN SHE ACCEPTED!

It worked!  Being brave enough to offer a 2^nd time (with more explanation) gave her the opportunity to accept the gift.  I was so happy!

She told me her order, I placed it via UberEats, and a short while later I presume she was sitting down and eating that tasty lunch. 

I share this story to remind you to be kind. 

Even when it is hard.

Even when you get rejected.

Even if it seems like it is a teeny tiny kindness that certainly can’t really make a difference…

Because acts of kindness DO make a difference. 

One grand act of kindness at a time.  Loads of tiny of acts of kindness. 

They.  Make.  A.  Difference. 

WE can make a difference. 

We can, as this sweet kid artist told us on this sign, "Make the world a better plase."