"Why Are You Doing This?"

“Excuse me, but why are you doing this?”.

Such a simple question really. 

But no simple answer.

We spent about an hour and a half today spreading kindness at Inova Fairfax Hospital in Virginia.  We both had the day off of work, so had time to use to do whatever we liked.  And what we realized we would like is: giving treats to strangers.

If that sounds random, well, it was. 

My partner David had a doctor’s appointment today in the Inova complex.  When it was finished, I asked if he would like to join me in doing something kind.  He’s always up for an adventure, so as expected, he said yes.

We drove to the nearby Lidl grocery store and stocked up on snacks - chips, gummies, chocolates.  Then we headed back to the hospital to find people to surprise.

We started in the radiology department.  My sister got radiation when she had brain cancer, so I know what it is like to sit in the waiting room chairs and hope that your loved one is going to be ok.  Our neighbor is currently undergoing treatment at Inova, and we drove him to a couple of appointments there, so we knew exactly where to head.

The kindness was simple – walk up to people and ask if they would like a snack. 

It turns out, that little act of kindness went a very, very long way.  People were delighted to be given a snack.  The vast majority said yes and eagerly made their choice.

But really, I think it was really about more than the food.

It was about someone acknowledging them.  Being willing to say hello.  Smiling.  Being present.

We gave treats to patients.  To family members.  To care givers.  We even gave a treat to someone who recognized us from a local Facebook group (how random).

If you have never had treatment for cancer or had a loved one who has, you may not know about “the bell”.  When a patient finishes their final treatment, they get to ring a big bell to announce that they are done.  Well, we were fortunate enough today to get to witness a woman ring the bell. 

She was wearing a hat – I am guessing she did not have hair.  She was a tiny woman, but her spirit was big.  She rang that bell and we hooted and cheered from all the way across the room.  And as we cheered, others in the waiting room felt they were granted permission to join in, too.  The patient hugged the person who was with her, likely her daughter or maybe sister.  They cried.  The nurses cried.  I cried.  Another woman in the waiting room cried.

Of course I offered the bell ringer some treats and congratulated her.

As I was walking back to my seat, that’s when someone said, “Excuse me, why are you doing this?”. 

They weren’t judging us or anything, they were just genuinely curious why two random strangers were hanging out in a lobby waiting for new patients to check in for their appointments.

I didn’t have a good answer ready.  So, I just said something like, “Oh, my husband had a doctor’s appointment in the building today, so we decided to pass out snacks while we were here.  We’ve been the people sitting in the chairs waiting, so we understand it is not easy.”

And that was a correct answer.

Sure, I could have also explained about Kindness Activist.  About how we find ourselves in situations like this very often.  How, because of amazing donors to our non-profit, we have money to do random acts of kindness like this and spread joy.

But none of that explanation was necessary really.

I guess the real answer to “Why are you doing this?” is:

Because we can.  Because we love to.  Because spreading kindness has become part of our lives, part of our DNA.  Because the world could use more kindness.

It doesn’t take a lot to be kind.

Just an open heart.

An open mind.

A bit of time.

A touch of courage.

A lot of compassion.

Perhaps some creativity.

And for sure some awareness.

Being kind makes the world a better place.

And sometimes, if you are lucky, being kind puts you in the exact right location at the exact right time, and you can cheer when somebody rings the bell.

Just be kind.

 

Kindness Activist funds spent:  $26.34

Hearts warmed:  around 50 (52 if you count our hearts)

P.S. - if you would like to donate to Kindness Activist, a 501C3, you can do so via Venmo (@KindnessActivist) or PayPal (@KindnessActivist).  Your donation is tax deductible and will be used to spread kindness in the world.

And In The Midst of It All - LILACS

This is a story about misconceptions.

And hopeful interpretations.

And false assumptions.

And perfect timing.

And an apology.

A pantry guest that I have told you about before, one that we have become friends with, we will call him Blue Bike Man, was sent to the Emergency Room yesterday.  I know this because a neighbor who is also friends with him witnessed the paramedics taking him away from the grocery store on a stretcher.

Here is where we find the first hopeful interpretation – the meaning of the word FRIENDS. 

I call this gentleman my friend, but the truth is that he would likely not be able to pick me up out of a line up.  He has severe memory issues, so severe that he cannot remember the names of his own grown children.  Is “friend” a label that can be applied to our relationship?  I consider him a friend, to him I am a stranger that he meets over and over and over.

When I heard he was taken away in an ambulance I rushed to the grocery store to ask the woman who had alerted me (who is my friend in the traditional sense of the word) what had happened.  She didn’t have details, but we agreed that his blue bike needed to be rescued before it was stolen (you see, he has long since lost one of several bike locks that were given to him to keep the bike safe, since, well…  memory issues.)

I drove around and located the bike parked neatly in a bike rack.  I called my partner David and asked him to drive our hatchback vehicle to meet me so we could transport the bike to our house.  “If you come home and pick me up and bring me to the bike, I will just ride it home,” David told me. 

So, before I headed to the hospital to see what I could find about the fate of Blue Bike Man, I witnessed David (my main man) jauntily riding the old bike down the road, sunlight bouncing off the handlebars and David’s silly blue pork pie hat completing the look. 

Now, an important piece to this story is that Blue Bike Man lives on the street.  Somehow (I can’t understand how…) he remembers that his “spot” is in front of a local business’ door, under an awning, on the main road near our house.  He has a piece of cardboard he leaves there to lie on.  That’s where I can find him to deliver a hot meal on a cold night.

Ever since we met him maybe 5 or 6 months ago, he has been a mystery to me.  His memory loss is so severe, and he has an odd speech pattern where he sometimes grunts a bit mid-word.  He and I have sat on our front stairs while he eats and he tells me the same stories over and over and over (it makes me feel better to know he gets a hot meal at least once in a while). 

I had to sit in the Emergency Room waiting room a bit before I could go back to visit him.  The place was packed!  There were people of all ages and it was clear that Blue Bike Man was not the only person experiencing homelessness who had shown up to the ER that night.  While I waited I people watched.  I could hear the conversation of a duo near me; an old, white woman and a middle-aged black man.  The woman looked to be the patient, but she was chatting happily while they sat.  She may have had some memory issues herself.  It was sweet listening to them talk.  Everyone wore masks, but I looked over at the man and made eye contact, then smiled, letting him know with my eyes that I thought it was sweet of him to assist her.

I went back to visit my friend, who didn’t appear to know who I was but nonetheless was happy to see me.  We chatted (the same stories he always tells me – it is all one-sided conversation as he doesn’t seem capable of asking questions or interested in anything the person he is talking with has to say).  The nurses basically left us alone – they had already hooked him up to heart monitors and a pulse oximeter before I arrived.  There was drama when the nurse came to draw blood – oh he was scared!  He is a 63 year old man, but the thought of a needle going into his arm had him worked up!  He shook and almost cried!  I tried to get him to do some deep breathing but truthfully, he wasn’t really buyin’ it. 

We waited for a doctor to come in.  And waited.  And waited.  Like I said, the ER was busy.  And it was full of characters!  Right outside my friend’s bay was a man on a hospital bed in the hallway, David and I called him “talk to himself guy”.  He had a running conversation, only there was no one there to talk with.  And there was “puffy vest guy” – a man who had cut the sleeves off a winter coat and made a DIY puffy vest.  And eventually, the old woman from the waiting room got wheeled back, too.  She also had a bed in the hallway and not a room. 

After an hour or so I popped out to talk to the companion of the old woman I had seen in the waiting area.  He explained that he was a neighbor to the woman and that she is 85 years old.  She was tiny and frail looking and had a bad, bad cough.  But she was peppy! 

We had spoken a few minutes when the man said, “I want to apologize to you.  A heartfelt, sincere apology.”

What?  An apology?  For what??  I couldn’t imagine what he felt he had done in the short time we had been seated near each other in the waiting room that would demand an apology.

“Ummm, ok…  An apology for what??” I asked.

“I know who you are.  I knew who you were right away when I saw you in the lobby.  Your name is Susan.”

Ok, now this was getting stranger…  I had no idea who this man was, yet he recognized me even when I was wearing a yellow mask??

“Yes, that’s my name.  And what is yours?”

He told me his name, then continued.  “I want you to know I am sorry, truly sorry,” he said in a very measured and thoughtful manner.  “I did something that offended you.  I didn’t mean to, but I did.  And I am sorry.”

He went on to describe an online interaction between the two of us that must’ve happened 2 or 3 years ago.  He had asked me a question, I had taken issue with what he wrote or how he wrote it, and I went off on him.

I could not remember the incident he was talking about, but it obviously happened because he clearly recalled every little nuance of it.

“Oh my, I am sorry!  You must’ve caught me on a bad day…” I stammered.

“No, no.  You were very offended.  I shouldn’t have said it how I did, and I am genuinely sorry.  You blocked me after that I think, because I couldn’t see your page anymore.  But I had looked at it, I saw everything you do for the community.  Then I knew what you looked like.  That’s how I recognized you tonight.”

I had blocked him!  I don’t do that often, usually just for catfish spam-type accounts that contact me.  Whatever he said (that I do not remember) must’ve really hit a nerve with me.

“I accept your apology.  And I am sorry, too.  Thank you.  Thank you for speaking with me tonight and telling me this,” I said as I put my hand out to shake his.

I was impressed with his bravery.  I don’t think I would ever have spoken up had the situation been reversed. 

The doctor was coming into my friend’s room so I excused myself to go back.  Blue Bike Man failed the cognitive test miserably (didn’t know where he was, didn’t know the month or the year (though the month and the year are trick questions if you ask me – why should someone living on the street know or care what month it is??).  I explained to the doctor that I was just a neighbor, a friend, who didn’t know anything about this man’s medical history.  All I knew was – he was living on the street, we tried to get him into a shelter recently and failed, and he needed (in my opinion) to be in a supportive atmosphere for memory care patients. 

The doctor agreed that a shelter was the wrong environment and said she would try to get a case manager to come down and speak with him to see if perhaps they could find a better placement.

Only, it was Sunday night, and there were no case managers to be found.  So, after 5 ½ hours at the ER with my buddy, I left him finally lying down and sleeping in the bed (with a pillow and blanket, luxuries).  He wore a hospital gown, but under that had on not one but two pairs of jeans, old, dirty wool socks, and tennis shoes with the beginnings of holes in them.  All while he slept.  But hey – you live on the street, you are used to sleeping without pajamas, right?

My partner David went up to the ER this morning at 8 am to sit and wait for the case manager (we had been told she would likely come between 8:00 and 10:00 am).  I had to work today and was so grateful that David was willing to go up and advocate for our friend.

Throughout this whole experience I keep thinking about my own family values.  In my family, when someone is sick (especially sick enough to go to the hospital!), they are not alone.  Family gathers.  If visitation is limited, we rotate in and out of the room.  But a family member is not left alone in the ER.

But Blue Bike Man had no one.  Not that he was sad about that mind you – I don’t think he knows the difference really.  But I was sad about it.  I think he deserves better.

We learned some new things about our friend during this hospitalization – turns out someone is his legal guardian. 

And learning that fact made me angry.  Because that is where my false assumptions came in… 

“How can you be this old man’s guardian and not take care of him??  Leave him on the street, with no food???” I thought, judging whoever was responsible very harshly.

When I stepped back and tried to consider the situation, I knew that my assumptions could be way off base.  Maybe Blue Bike Man was actually an abusive father.  Maybe he had sucked the family dry of money.  Maybe the family had tried over and over and over and had come to their wits end…

There were options that could explain it all, but in my mind I still silently judged.

There were glimmers of hope – the case manager may have found a place that would accept him! 

And flashes of rage – the people listed as contacts in his medical chart wouldn’t even pick up the phone when the hospital called.

The message I got from David was that they had found a memory care place in Richmond, VA that would take him.  I was relieved!!  He would have a bed.  And a shower.  And meals.  And medication if he needed it.

Then David called with more news:  the person listed as legal guardian had called the hospital back and said NO to the Richmond placement.

I was so sad.  Would they rather see him on the street than housed??  How could they do that??  The case manager said that the guardian was coming to the hospital to pick Blue Bike Man up, so David could go home now.  

So many thoughts rushed through my head…  What if the person abused him?  What if they took advantage of him somehow?  What if they injured him??  He couldn’t stand up for himself.

We decided to go back to the hospital to meet the guardian (who I had secretly made out to be a villain in my mind).  We would say goodbye to our friend, hopefully get the contact info for the guardian, and explain that she should come to our house to get his bike.

As we waited, the 3 of us we chatted and laughed.  Blue Bike Man ate more hospital food (he packed a lot of food in during his 24 hour stay!!).  And then finally, the woman I had decided was a bad person before meeting her stepped into the room.

And she was quiet.  And soft.  And looked at our friend and said, “Do you know who I am??”. 

There was a glimmer in his eye.  He DID seem to recognize her!!  He couldn’t put a name to her face, but he did seem to remember her somehow.

She spoke of her father, who grew up with our friend and was one of his best buddies.  Oh, Blue Bike man smiled at that!  Yes, he remembered that man.  “I am his daughter,” the guardian explained.

And as we heard more, everything fell into place.  Her not answering the hospital’s calls – made perfect sense.  Her not wanting him to go to Richmond – understandable. 

And she was willing to take him into her small apartment, even though others around her warned her not to and that it would be unsafe…  It was obviously a heart wrenching choice for her, but she had promised someone important to her that she would take care of Blue Bike Man, and she was trying to keep her word.

In the end, we understand the situation better now.  It is not resolved – our friend will very likely be back out on the street soon.  And, as I recounted to the guardian what the case manager had said, people like our friend will likely do better on the street.  He would be miserable in a care facility.

I gave the guardian a big hug and told her that if he ends up back on the streets, it will not be because she didn’t try.  And it will not be because she failed.  And that she needs to take care of herself and her family, too.

She got tears in her eyes.  She realized the complexity of what she was taking on (this was not her first time housing him).  She gave us her phone number and I sent her a text telling her where his bike is so that she has our contact info, too.

I hope we get to see him again.  Maybe he will show up one day and peek in the Little Yellow Free Pantry to see if there is a fruit cup waiting for him.  If we see him, I will rush out and give him his bike back.  He might not remember me, but I bet he remembers that blue bike.

Oh, I said this was also a story of perfect timing.

In the midst of all of this sadness and stress, look what I found on our front porch today…

With this sweet note.

The neighbor who dropped this gift off didn’t know what I was going through.  She just had perfect timing.  This was what I needed tonight: a living room scented with lilacs and the reminder that even the tiniest things can make a huge difference.

Kindness Yard Sale Accounting - Over $380 Remaining...

I am trying not to write these Kindness Yard Sale updates too often – I don’t want the acts to come off as showy or braggy.  But I keep reminding myself – PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW HOW THE MONEY THEY DONATED IS BEING PUT TO USE, it’s just accounting!!  So, here’s another update on how the most recent proceeds from the Kindness Yard Sale were used.

Today we did 2 kind acts with the money that I really loved.

($14)   First, this afternoon I bought 2 dozen roses at Trader Joe’s.  If you haven’t shopped at TJ’s, I will tell you a secret:  they have amazing flowers for not a lot of money!  A dozen roses is only $6.99!!  The plan for the roses started a couple of weeks ago:  I asked in my local Buy Nothing group if people had those single stem watering tubes that they no longer needed.  I used to have a bag of them but finally got rid of them last year, and NOW I needed them!  Two people gave me the tubes they had, and one amazing neighbor ORDERED BRAND NEW ONES on Amazon to be delivered right to my house!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you Mitzi, you are a KIND neighbor.  Your gift delighted me!!  Then I made 24 notes targeted to NURSES.  They said things like, “Nurses rock”, “If you want something done, ask a NURSE”, and “Nurses are the unsung heroes of healthcare”.   I punched holes in the notes, tied yellow ribbon on them, and then today tied a note to each lovely rose. 

My sweetie and I then took all 24 roses to Virginia Medical Center Hospital and gave them out one by one to nurses.  They loved it!  We ran into our first nurse when were on the elevator going up – she was returning a wheelchair after discharging someone, I think.  She was so surprised to be thanked and given a rose – she got tears in her eyes.  From there we visited a few floors and one by one thanked nurses.  Each one was very thankful and delighted.  One even gave me a big hug.  That act of kindness will be repeated with 24 more roses at a local nursing home with notes targeted to seniors.

($28.37)   Doing THAT act of kindness was so fun, I was in the mood to do another one this evening!   For the previous kind acts I have been careful to not only target them to lower income people.  I want to spread kindness to EVERYONE, not just those who traditionally ask for a “hand out”.  But I have been thinking about how fortunate I am/we are, in that we have the luxury of basically getting everything we want.  I mean, sure, maybe we can’t buy a brand new Lexus or a mansion or take a year off work to travel around the world – but we have a ROOF over our heads, can go to the grocery store and stock up on heathy food (and treats) whenever we want, and have clean clothes to wear.  Many people in the world can’t say the same is true for them… 

So tonight, I decided to look for a homeless person and ask them:  what could you get that would make tonight or tomorrow BETTER?  In my mind, I had already decided that I would not use the kindness yard sale money to buy them alcohol or cigarettes.  Not because I do not think they do not deserve those items, but because I hoped to buy them something that would last.  I was a little nervous – I didn’t want to offend anyone by asking them my question.  But we saw a woman slowly dragging a heavy garbage bag down a street in DC, and I decided to get brave and ask her.

Her first response on what would make tonight/tomorrow better was MONEY. 

“Ahhh.  Well, I can’t give you that,” I told her.  “What THING – is there some THING that would be good?”.  She only thought a few moments before saying, “White socks!!”.  She was wearing what looked like uncomfortable sandals, and white socks sounded great to me!!  I asked what style – knee high, short???  Short ones were what she wanted, so that went on my mental list.  “What else??”.  She thought…  “Mint candy!!  Those soft ones.  Red.  And white.  And maybe green.”  Oooookkkk, not sure what you mean by that…  I countered, “How about those CHOCOLATE covered mints??” and her eyes lit up!!  “Yeah, yeah, those too!!!!”.  Then she came up with a really good need:  BATTERIES FOR HER RADIO.  Turns out, one of the heavy items she had been carting around in that garbage bag was a radio.  She showed us – 4 AA batteries.  And then she did something that I later realized was really brave – she GAVE ME one of the batteries (so I would know which kind to buy).  That was worth a lot to her.  I bet it wasn’t out of juice, and she trusted me to take it.  As we headed to our car to go fulfill her shopping list, I asked, “Will you still BE here when we come back with your things???” and she countered, “Lady, I am HOMELESS.  I ain’t got no where to go!”.  Touché, my new friend, touché.

Off we ran to Wal-Mart, which was another good reminder of how lucky we have it (or how privileged we are, depending on your vocabulary 😊 ).   It turns out, at the Wal-Mart in DC, the multi-packs of WHITE SOCKS ARE LOCKED UP.  You have to get an associate to unlock the case for you, and they have to WALK WITH YOU to the check-out to buy them.  I bet you don’t have that at your fancy suburban Wal-Mart, do you? 

We ended up buying her 4 pairs of white socks, 1 extra large box of Junior Mints, one large box of soft red and white mint candy, a bottle of cold water, a bottle of cold Diet Pepsi, 8 batteries (enough to run her radio twice) and, because my sweetheart swore he heard her yell, “And chocolate cake!” as we walked away, a big ol’ piece of chocolate cake. 

She was happy when we returned and wondered what had taken us so long (another sign of our privilege – we drove to Wal-Mart to get things cheaper and make the money last longer instead of the more expensive CVS store in walking distance…).  It turns out the red and white mints were just what she was thinking of, and the chocolate cake looked very tasty.  She blessed us, thanked us, called me “Boo” even though we had already exchanged names, and smiled.  I smiled back and shook her hand.  I can’t imagine how little eye contact and physical contact homeless people must get. 

I would like to repeat that kind act with another person. 

($10)   And lastly for this report, a $10 donation was given to a woman named Raquel in Orlando, Florida who is making and mailing these beautiful signs for FREE to anyone who wants one.  I am so impressed with her message and her generosity that I was happy to use some of the proceeds to help her pay for postage or printing.  If you would like a sign or to make a donation, please visit:  https://www.insistonloveforall.com/

That’s it for this accounting update.  There is still $384.46 remaining from the sale to use for KINDNESS, and I have other ideas in mind (and some actions I have already taken but am too sleepy to write about tonight).  Thanks again for being a part of this – spreading kindness can only be a good thing, right?? 

Puppy Kindness

Tate playing in the grass

This is the 2^nd in a series of Kindness Activists that have stepped forward and shone during my sister Annette’s illness.  There are many, many people who have being remarkably kind and helpful during this difficult time, but one in particular stands out and is very deserving of being dubbed a KINDNESS ACTIVIST.

World, meet KRISTI!!

Kristi is my sister’s friend.  They have gone through good times together, and bad times – Kristi is a breast cancer survivor and Annette helped her through her illness. 

Annette and Kristi all decked out

When Annette suddenly had to go to the Emergency room on July 26^th, one of the immediate issues that needed to be dealt with was:  TATE.  Annette had just gotten a new puppy, Tate Dakota, in June (born April 16^{th *}).  He is a Cavalier King Charles and pretty much the cutest little dog you have ever seen!  But he couldn’t go to the hospital with her, the little fella wasn’t even potty trained!  And the whole family was going to be at the hospital at all hours, so Tate needed someone to stay with.

Tate Dakota - all sorts of cute!!

Kristi didn’t even hesitate to offer to puppy-sit.  Why, she and Annette had driven to South Dakota together to pick him up just a month earlier, so I guess technically they had each known that tiny dog the same amount of time.  And Kristi had just finished puppy-sitting Tate so that Annette could come to Florida for what we call “Sister Week”, so Tate was used to Kristi’s home and even had adopted “sisters” there!

Tate and her adopted sister Haley

So, when Annette checked into the hospital on July 26^th, Tate checked into Kristi’s home, and he has been there ever since.  She has even been training him!  He couldn’t manage steps when he went there, now he can.  He wasn’t potty trained very much when he went there, he now even knows how to lift his tiny leg.  Go Tater Tot go!!

Also, Kristi doesn’t just take care of Tate, she makes sure to keep his mamma well informed and entertained with news of the puppy!  She sends photos, videos, and little messages from Tate so that Annette can feel the love.

And get this:  she brought up to the hospital for visits!  Even SNUCK HIM INTO THE REHAB unit one time!!  He was the hit of the party, of course.  Everyone loves the little guy.

Tate snuggling his mamma outside the hospital in Omaha

Puppies are good medicine!  See that long tongue? 
It gave Annette LOTS of kisses!

Kristi has bought Tate bones, treats, even a special collar so that the spoiled little puppy could be in our recent family photo shoot and match everyone else!

Annette and her cutie Tate (and a shoe, which Tate likes to chew on...)
Photo by the amazing Brenda Lee Dolinski 

Annette is now out of the hospital and doing well.  She is still in physical therapy, and now has started radiation and chemo.  So, she is not quite strong enough to take care of Tate (who is an active little fella…) yet.  Kristi is graciously still watching the little guy.

Kristi – you are a KINDNESS ACTIVIST indeed.  Thank you for giving Tate a great home so that Annette can focus on healing.  We appreciate you!

The beautiful and KIND Kristi

* - TATE AND KRISTI SHARE THE SAME BIRTH DATE!  Isn't that awesome??