Forward... That's a Good Way to Go. Forward

I don’t share their names.  Never share their names. 

I typically don’t share a gender.  Because really, why does gender matter anyway? And also, out of respect.  Nothing that might make you, the reader, identify the person in the story.

But today – today I feel I must share the gender.

Because she is real.  She is sick.  And she is our neighbor.

My neighbor and yours – no matter where you live.

She is our neighbor .

I went outside to hang a coat up in Project Warmth, the winter program where we put out cold weather gear for passersby in need to take.  I heard the siren of an ambulance or fire truck, wasn’t sure which.  I didn’t pay much attention – emergency vehicles pass our busy home often.  It wasn’t until I walked around the corner and saw a man walking his dog that I took notice.  “I called them,” he said. 

I turned around and realized that the ambulance had stopped right across the street.  And I saw a fabric puddle of orange, black on brown on the sidewalk, with 2 EMTs standing over it.

“When I walked by the first time, she was sitting up, eating something,” the man with the dog told me.  “But now, now lying down…  I am not sure…”.

Fear shot through me.  Was she dead?  Just lying there on the sidewalk, right across from our house, dead? 

We both kept our distance out of respect and concern.  “I bet she got the food here at the pantry,” I told him.  “I don’t know, she had marshmallows or something…” he said.

Yes.  Marshmallows.  I had put a bag of mini marshmallows in the pantry last night right before bed.  It was a special treat, and I imagined whoever found it would be happy.

The pile of fabric moved.  The person sat up. 

She was alive.

“I need to go see if it is someone I know,” I told the man.  As I crossed, I heard an EMT tell her, “You can’t lay here.  People will worry.  They will think it is a medical emergency and keep calling 911.”

She was standing, coat hood on her head, dirty sleeping bag wrapped around.  But she was standing.

“Hey, would you like a cup of coffee?” I asked as I got close enough.

“No, no.  But hey, do you have any hot chocolate??  I have been wanting hot chocolate…”.

Of course!  The marshmallows.  She had been sitting eating the marshmallows, maybe dreaming of hot chocolate to go with them.

I ran home and quickly made a hot chocolate.  I squirted some whipped cream on it and rushed back outside hoping she was still there to get it.  She was there, but the ambulance had left.  Left her alone.  Alone, as I am sure she usually is.

I put the steaming cup of cocoa on a fence post, using it as a table.  “Here, it’s really hot, so be careful.  Would you like some soup?  I could bring you some.”

At first she said yes, but when I asked if she ate meat or not, she changed her mind.  “You know, I really don’t eat much.  Maybe just some crackers…”.

“I have crackers.  Anything else you need?  What size shoes do you wear?” I asked, looking down at her slippers with non-slip hospital socks wedged in them to try and make them fit.  She told me she was a size 6 to 6.5, and also asked for a black hoodie, black sweatpants, and black socks.  “I am not sure what I have, but I will bring some things,” I told her and came back home to look through the Project Warmth donations.

I collected 3 hoodies (none all black, but all warm), some leggings (not sweatpants, but black), some black long underwear pants, very warm winter socks, and the only adult boots I had – size 10.  I also made a basket of food choices – 2 kinds of crackers, granola bar, precooked pasta and precooked meatballs, homemade banana muffin (thank you kind neighbor for making those), fruit cup, applesauce cup, Go Go Squeezes, Goldfish crackers, raisins, protein shake, Gatorade, juice…  I tried to put in choices that someone who “doesn’t eat much” might be tempted by, knowing that she must eat.  I grabbed a new bag that zips and went back to the corner.

She was still standing.  Pacing.  She was obviously using, and whatever she was on made her have both energy (to pace) and mellowness (to lie down).  She had a scratch on her nose and chapped lips, but other than that no obvious injuries.

I laid the clothing choices out on the fence for her to see.  She picked 2 hoodies and the thermal pants.  She took the socks and the hat.  I held up the boots and explained they were too big, but they were all I had.  As we talked, a woman in an SUV pulled up to the red light and rolled down her window.  “What size shoes does she need??” she asked, having quickly accessed the situation.  “A size 7.  But all I have is a 10…”.  She sighed.  “I have a 9…”.  I thanked her and she drove off.

What a reminder that we all want to help.  All of us.  Every last one. 

We went through the food and drink choices and she took a few.  I packed them into the new bag with the clothes and zipped it all up. 

“Are you working with Path Forward?” I asked.  Path Forward is the local organization that works tirelessly to assist people on the streets.  They provide food, housing, and work to get people re-homed.

“Ahhh, forward…  That’s a good way to go…  Forward….” she said.

We all want to help. 

But sometimes there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing we can do.

And that is a hard fact to accept.

No amount of marshmallows or crackers or sweatpants or boots can make this situation better.  She is sick.  Has an addiction.  She is ill.

“Hey, what’s your name?” I asked before I left.  She told me.  I told her mine.  And I repeated hers out loud.

I repeated it as much to help me try and remember it and I did for her to HEAR IT being spoken.

She is still there.  It’s been an hour, and she is still there.  I can see her from our porch.  She is sitting – I am sure on the same soggy cardboard I saw up close. 

Only now, she has a new warm hoodie pulled up on her head.

And in her belly, hot chocolate and whipped cream.

Maybe some crackers.

Maybe some applesauce…

We all need the same things, every one of us.

We need food. 

Love.

Someone to care.

Community.

Warmth.

Safety.

And for someone to know our name.

For information on substance abuse resources available in Arlington, VA, call 571-302-0327

P.S. – Thank you to the stranger who stopped and asked for the shoe size.  I am quite certain that if I had said, “She needs a 9,” you would have pulled over and taken the shoes off your own feet to give.  Thank you to the man walking the dog who worried and cared enough to call the authorities to come check on the woman.  Thank you to those who donated food for the pantry - making it easy for me to run inside and prepare a cup of cocoa and get food options for her to choose from.  Thank you to people who dropped off winter clothing - giving her the dignity to make choices of what she would like.  And thank you to the friend who also saw the situation and took time to ring our doorbell to see if I knew there was a person in need so close by.  Thank you for listening to me and hugging me as I cried telling the story.  And thanks for encouraging me to write it. 

It's Happened!

Oh.  My.  Goodness.

 

It’s happened.

 

Such a mix of feelings – elated, scared, relieved, excited… 

 

The IRS responded – KINDNESS ACTIVIST IS AN OFFICIAL 501C3!!

 

I have been doing Kindness Activist work since December 2015, close to a decade.  It started small – writing stories of kindness that I witnessed, did, or received.  As I often explain when I speak to groups about kindness – I was in a sad place in my life.  I looked for kindness as an experiment really.  I wondered if there was actually kindness out there, and if there was, did it make a difference in the world?

 

That social experiment has made a huge difference in my life.  It has given me a new lens through which to view the world.  It has made my life more fulfilled, happier, more full of joy.  It has introduced me to people I would never have met had I not gone on this mission.

 

And now it is “official”.

 

I’ve been wanting to make Kindness Activist a 501C3 for years but have put it off.  It seemed so daunting and scary.  But many people have nudged me and pushed, and I knew it was the right thing to do.  It just required taking a big leap to go for it.

 

There are so many people to thank.  The people who kept at me – reminding me it was not only necessary but it was possible.  The amazing lawyers who assisted me pro-bono to get the corporation established (required before filing for non-profit).  The people who accepted offers to join the board.  The people who cheered and hugged along the way.  The people who show up to volunteer to unload trucks and wrap gifts and decorate trees and tie ribbons to our fence...

 

And the most amazing, supportive partner on the planet, David Gaines. 

 

When I started writing stories of kindness, I had no idea how much our lives would change.  I didn’t know our basement would turn into a de facto grocery store to supply the Little Yellow Free Pantry.  I didn’t know that traveling in November and December would become almost impossible due to the Santa Project.  I didn’t fathom that our basement apartment would be filled with coats and sweaters to hand out all winter in Project Warmth.  I could never have imagined that strangers would knock on our front door or honk and wave as they drove by.  I never pictured a neon green Just Be Kind sign on the Big Yellow House.

 

But David, you have stood by my side through all of it (and more).  You have held me when I cried, rubbed my back when I was exhausted, and laughed with me in the rain.  You put in soooo many hours on that dang IRS form 1023.  My dream of kindness has changed both of our lives, and I thank you for riding the wave with me and being the very best “husband for scale” this human could ever have asked for.

 

The official letter came today.  We only filed 13 days ago, and the instructions say it can take up to 180 days to get a response.  I was hoping to hear quickly but never imaged it would be in under 2 weeks.

 

Have not had time to process it all yet, so I am unsure of how/what changes now.  I promise to keep you updated and to keep the kindness rolling.  I promise to keep sharing the stories of kindness. 

 

But for now I need to take a breath.  Pause a moment.  Take it all in.  Drink a bit of bubbly. 

 

And shed a few more tears of happiness. 

 

Cuz it happened, it really happened!

Jumping Blooper

Cards of Kindness

The lesson that I learned during Covid, one that is reinforced nearly daily in my life since the pandemic began, is the importance of COMMUNITY.

Community comes in all shapes and forms.  Our immediate (blood or adopted) families.  Our friends.  Our chosen families.  The members of a place of worship.  Co-workers.  Neighbors.  An educational cohort.

Community.

Pre-Covid, I will confess, my community was quite small.  But as our worlds began to narrow – as we stayed home, afraid to interact with others outside our “bubble” – a strange thing happened.

Unbeknownst to me, the significance of community was percolating in my brain.

And slowly, unintentionally, I began to build community for myself.  I put out a poll on our corner every morning – totally insignificant questions posed to passersby, the results not even tabulated.  I began to not only give away and receive things in a local online exchange group, I started to also post thank you photos and blurbs about how the items I received were now being given new life.  I wrote more frequent stories of kindness and shared them.  I asked neighbors to join in and beat pots and pans in the evenings to thank the health care professionals….

Each of these acts (and the many others somehow dreamed up while on lock-down) had a compounding effect:  They.  Built.  Community. 

And now I have been reminded that communities are not only there to celebrate in the joyous times, but they are also there to rally and support in times of stress, unhappiness, uncertainty, and grief. 

Arlington, Virginia, the physical community where we live, suffered a great sadness recently.  Five students at Wakefield, a local high school, overdosed on the same day.  One, Sergio Flores (age 14), died.  And just two days later, the facility was on lockdown for three hours as police searched the premises to find who had brought a loaded gun to school.

These instances shook the community.  The school was in shock.  I can’t imagine how the teachers, counselors, bus drivers, and other staff members felt in the wake of both the tragedy and the scare. 

In troubled times like this, most humans respond with a sense of caring.  We want to be helpful somehow, but how??  There are no actions that can make things “better” in times like that, but we search for something, anything, that can perhaps somehow contribute to the greater good.

So, I put out a call for cards.

I asked in a couple of community groups:  can you please handwrite a card for a Wakefield staff member and drop it off on my porch?  I explained that we needed 260 (the number we originally thought would equal a card for each teacher and assistant).  Many, many people responded.  Some offered to write cards.  Some offered blank cards for others to use.  Some made hand crafted cards.  One even offered to furnish supplies and teach others how to make cards.

And so, like many of the ideas in my head, this one grew and grew.  Our ask of 260 cards grew to a bigger ask – wanting to include ALL staff (janitorial staff, security, bus drivers, food staff, counselors…).  And the cards kept coming!  A neighbor offered her porch for a secondary drop-off location for cards. 

Cards - handwritten by loving and supportive members of the COMMUNITY. 
Gifts - small tokens to show that the staff of Wakefield High School is not alone.

In just a few days, 481 cards were written.  This is many more than were needed to give one to each staff member.  I used Kindness Activist funds to order 352 gifts from a lovely Etsy shop – lip balms, bath bombs, and a few headache relief rollers (Maggie's Farm Aromatics Etsy Shop ).  When I explained Kindness Activist and the situation at the high school to the shop owner, she gladly gave me a discount.

Handcrafted lip balms, headache relief rollers, and bath bombs - 
a gift for each and every staff member.

Then my sister and I headed out to find the perfect way to display, transport, and give the cards and gifts.  We thought a basket would be good – but where does one find a basket big enough for everything we had to fit inside it??  I will tell you where – GOODWILL… Call it a miracle, call it kismet, call it luck, call it proof of a Higher Power – whatever you choose to label it, our local Goodwill had the prettiest, BIGGEST basket ever.  And of course, since it was Goodwill, it was one of a kind.  What are the chances???

The biggest basked we have ever seen.  It was far too heavy for one person to carry.

On a sunny Monday, we carried the heavy basket into the school office.  The bath bombs made such a lovely scent, and the basket filled with cards and gifts was a sight to behold.  We left it there for office staff to distribute cards and gifts as they saw fit.

Wakefield teachers and staff - THE COMMUNITY IS BEHIND YOU.

This is community.

This is many hands and hearts pitching in – each one showing support.  This is caring.  This.  Is.  Love.

Kindness Activist funds spent:  $1028.01

Support shared:  immeasurable

Clean House Kindness

In November 2011, Felicia was newly separated from her husband.  She had three young kids, a stressful job, and was just starting to learn to navigate “solo” in the world (insert deep breath).  But she also had some super supportive friends who were bound and determined to make this transition easier for her.  Here is what she told me:

Felicia and kids in Disney - she thought THIS was the big event.  Little did she know what was waiting for her back home...

“Despite the challenging times, I had planned a Disney trip for my three kids and me. It was my first big adventure as a single parent. We spent a wonderful week in Florida, during my birthday week  (WINNING!!) and returned home to a most wonderful surprise.  A group of 10-15 of my close friends had gotten together and coordinated a mammoth effort to clean my home and give it a bit of a makeover. They greeted us as we pulled into the driveway.  I had no idea what was in store - I just thought they were welcoming us home with balloons and flowers. But then they proceeded to walk me through the house and show me all of their hard work. It looked like a model home, staged for the real estate market! Every room had been cleaned and re-organized and all of the clutter was gone. And the best part was – there were love notes left in various cabinets and drawers throughout the house, to remind me how loved I was.”

SURPRISE!!  Welcome home to your clean, love filled house!!

Isn’t that an amazing and kind surprise???  Her friends are awesome!!  They were people from all areas of her life - her family (Mom, sister and sister-in-law), sign language interpreter friends new and old, close girlfriends who had been supporting her through the separation, even some friends she had known since elementary school.  They all got together to make her life not only cleaner, but less stressful and more full of love.

When I asked her how the big surprise made her feel, she said, “I was speechless...awed...humbled.  I felt like I had just won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!  It was like they were standing at my door with a big check for me. I was surrounded in so much warmth, love and support. It was truly the most amazing kindness I had ever experienced.”

Facebook status after the big CLEAN HOUSE reveal :)

I asked Felicia to consider how her friends must have felt after surprising her.  She explained it so well, “When someone is going through a difficult time in life - divorce, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, etc, people often don't know what to do or how to help.  I was at one of the lowest of the low times in my life, and while I knew I had an amazing support system in place, people didn't know what to DO for me.  This was how they could help - they sacrificed their time (and their hands and knees) to scrub my house from top to bottom and make it a warm welcoming place for my kids and I to return to. They wanted to help and they sure did. They showed their love and support. I can only imagine how such a selfless act affected each and every one of them.”

The main premise of this Kindness Activist project is that when we hear about kind things that others do or receive, we are in turned inspired to be kind.  So I wondered if RECEIVING this amazing, generous kindness made Felicia want to “pay it forward” and be kind to someone else.  I was not surprised when she said, “ABSOLUTELY!  Most definitely!”

She says, “While I have always had a giving spirit, I was in a tough spot and really couldn't even take care myself.  But this act of love reminded me that I was going to be ok and that I was strong. It revived me.   There hasn't been another experience in my life that parallels this act of love and kindness in terms of the power it had to lift my spirits and make me feel loved. I am still humbled by the kindness they each contributed to.  And I know today as much as I did then, that I am a lucky girl and that I have some AMAZING people in my life!”

This photo of Felicia and kids captures it perfectly - L O V E.

Well Felicia, I agree with you.  That was an awesome gift of kindness that your friends and family gave you.  Thanks for being willing to share it with us and inspire OTHERS to be kind. 

If YOU have given or received kindness, please tell me about it!  I would love to be inspired by your story.  Email me at kindnessactivist@gmail.com .  And “like” Kindness Activist on Facebook!