Grieving Kindness

As this project has proven, kindness comes in all shapes and sizes.  It can be grand and flashy, or it can be quite and gentle.  The Kindness Activist this story is about is one who understood in her heart the importance of LISTENING.  Attending.  Making space for others to share.  And that is just what she did.

Staci is a member of a Facebook group that I am in.  It is one that not a single member wants to be in, yet we all find ourselves there.  It is a Sibling Grief Support Group.  Sadly, the group membership grows daily (it is over 9,500), as people find it and join to try and find people who might understand their grief after losing a sister or brother.  It is a supportive group.  One topic that is raised frequently is the feeling that, as siblings, our grief is not expected by others to be as difficult or long as, say, a parent or a spouse. 

Having lost her brother, Staci understands that.  And so, the other day, on one of her rare days off work, she posted this: “So, I’ve been reading more and more about people feeling that they can no longer talk about their siblings to others. I happen to have the entire day off today. So, tell me about them. What’s their name, what was their passion, their likes, what do you love most about them, what do you miss the most about them? Post it here or you can send me a DM. But I’d love to talk about your siblings with you.”

Think hard about the KINDNESS of that post.  Staci was willing to LISTEN.  Listen to difficult things.  Expressed by strangers.  Things that no doubt would bring up some triggers for her.  And not only was she going to hold space and listen, she REPLIED.  She commented on posts as they poured it.  It was beautiful.

Staci and Seth - her little brother and best friend

  

I asked her why she took the time to use her day off to do that, and Staci told me, “Over the past few weeks, and really since I joined the group, I’ve been seeing people post about how they feel they can’t talk about their siblings to others anymore. So, I wanted to create a spot for them to do that.”  How kind!!  It takes a huge heart to be willing to be there for strangers all around the globe.  

And her responses!  She showed in her responses that she paid close attention and empathized with the writers.  She said, “I made it a point to respond to every single person. I didn’t want anyone left out.”  And to put it in perspective, this was not just a few posts.  Last she checked there were 256 answers!!

When I asked Staci if I could share this story, she (like many Kindness Activists) said she did not do it to be recognized.  But she so deserves to be!  Members of the group expressed their heartfelt thanks, like this message that was posted, “Wow, Staci, what a gift you have given all of us!  Thank you so much for this.  I cried just reading your initial post – such a kind gesture.”  And this comment someone shared, “I love this post.  It seems like at first everyone wants to know about them and after a couple months it feels like a burden to continue to talk about them, when honestly it’s all I think about every day.”  And another member wrote this about Staci’s kind gesture, “This is such a kind and thoughtful post.  Thank you, Staci.  You’ve spent your day off letting others tell you about their wonderful siblings.” 

I asked Staci how the whole experience had made her feel, and it turns out, it was not only good for the other group members, but it was good for her, too.  She said, “I felt like I was getting to meet their siblings. I loved meeting them through people that truly love them. All the stories and passions and accomplishments and personalities.” She took time to thank people who wrote, too, by posting in the group, “Thank you again for everyone telling me about your siblings.  I’ve loved meeting them through you.  And when you’re feeling lonely or sad, or just missing them, maybe thinking of this amazing memory that makes you laugh and you wanna share it – feel free to come back to this post.  I don’t get many days off and sometimes it might take me longer to reply, but I will always eventually respond.  Such amazing and beautiful people you all got to call siblings.”

Siblings FOREVER

When I asked Staci how she thought her gesture made the others in the group feel she told me,  “I hope it made them feel heard. To feel like they don’t have to be quiet. I hope it made them happy even if just for a second to relive those memories of their siblings with me. I really just wanted people to feel like someone cared. Someone was here and willing to listen and talk with you about them. To just say, ‘Hey - I know you lost them, and I’d love for you to tell me more about them,’ instead of feeling like they needed to move on or be quiet. To spread the life, love and memories of those closest to us that we’ve lost.”

As someone who lost their sister and responded to your offer to share about her, THANK YOU Staci.  I DID feel heard.  Even though I cried as I told you about my sister, I was also happy.  Happy to remember her and to “share her” with you.

I am sorry that you lost your brother – your best friend and partner in mischief.  If you ever want to sit down and tell me about him, I am all ears.  Thanks for paving the way to let people open up their hearts and share their stories.

Robes of Kindness

Since its inception, the premise of “Kindness Activist” is that being aware of kindness spreads MORE kindness.  When you are willing to talk OPENLY about kindness, willing to share about it without embarrassment, it will inspire MORE kindness.  And when you keep your eyes and ears open to it – you will see kindness all around.

And that is why I share stories of kindness.  I know that they will be a ripple, inspiring others to be kind, then others, then others, and the ripple will become a wave.

Today’s story is about a woman who is beautiful both inside and out: STACIA.  She is a neighbor and a friend.  And Stacia has a huge heart.

She has 2 sons and one of them was severely injured last year when he broke his femur.  He is an active kid, and spending a month in a spica cast was not on his list of things to do…  And yet that is where he found himself. 

Stacia put the word out in a local Facebook group that they could use a bit of help.  Her original ask was a small one – bendy straws.  Her son couldn’t sit up to drink while in the cast, and bendy straws were needed.  Well, just like with so many other requests for assistance, that little Facebook group rallied around the family.  Meals, a furniture dolly to use as a tummy scooter, lawn mowing, toys delivered, cookies for the kids, shrubs planted, meal gift cards, and of course, bendy straws were given to the family during that difficult time.

That kindness inspired Stacia, so at Christmas time, she paid it back ten-fold.  She posted this message in the Facebook group: “Moms of Buy Nothing, were you an exhausted gift deprived mom on Christmas morning? Did you get perhaps a robe that you picked out yourself and nothing else? I have a special gift for you, gift deprived mom. It’s a Surprise that I will bring to YOU.  Please comment below and I’ll choose tonight!”

If you haven’t seen the Saturday Night Live sketch about the mom getting the robe, you must.  It is hilarious and spot on.  You can see it here .

Anyway, Stacia’s message resonated with the moms of the group, and replies poured in.  People said:

·         My daughter wrapped up something I already owned then gave it to me as my gift.

 

·         To which another mom replied:  Mine wrapped up something I gave her and gave it back to me (to which the original poster above replied, “You win.”)

 

·         LOL.  This post is so spot on because I’m wearing a robe I “received” from a past Christmas that I pick out and wrapped myself right now.  It was the only thing I got that year and I remember when I opened it, I acted a little surprised.  It was still the best Christmas because the youngest had not yet gone to hospice.  I no longer spend Christmas waking up early to cook or bake or wait interminable hours while other people play video games.  I’ve got it easy now with no kids at home.  But I do feel for all of those mothers and mother figures who are sleep and gift deprived.

 

·         I would like a surprise!  I was and am alone with my daughter.  I bought a trunk full of gifts for her and wrapped it all up last minute.  I made a good dinner just for her and me. 

 

·         LOL.  I ordered myself a couple things that I handed off to my 7 year old to wrap, so I am good.  Thanks for your thoughtfulness.

 

·         I didn’t even get anything.  ☹  But I was able to get gifts for everyone all thanks to this Buy Nothing group. 

 

·         My husband bought me an external hard drive…  and then was like, “Did you open the other box?!” all excited.  I was thinking, “Oh, here comes the good gift….”.  It was a case for the external hard drive.

 

·         I want to add my name to this.  I call myself the “little gift giver”, so maybe I can finally receive a gift for myself. 

 

·         I wish the Saturday Night Live skit wasn’t so on the mark for me.

Stacia hit a bullseye – so many mothers deserved gifts and surprises!!  So, she went to work!!  She had felt the love, kindness and generosity of the group supporting her family when her son was injured, and she paid it back in spades. 

She wrapped and hand delivered items to the neglected moms.  She gave some of them nice bath bombs, dark chocolate Justin’s peanut butter cups, and scented lip balms.  Some got perfume.  One got a $50 spa gift card!  Some got earrings, bracelets, home spa items like masks and bath salts and scrubs.  One deserving mom got a box of Godiva chocolate. 

One mother told me that Stacia got her the perfect gift: “Stacia’s gift made me feel very special.  She picked out gifts that were suitable for the person, which to me meant that she really knows people personally – what their likes and hobbies are.  Since I am in the beauty field I got pampered with a calming face mask and a brush cleaning soap!  At the same time, she probably knew I needed something to take care of myself, too, and pamper myself.”

Another recipient of Stacia’s kindness told me: “Stacia gave me Burberry perfume!!  I would never have bought such an indulgence, and I was flabbergasted.  It restored my faith in the tenderness of humanity.  I literally received NO gifts.  I could afford anything I would ever want to buy, and yet it is so much sweet to have someone think of you.“ 

Yet another lucky mom told me,  "I commented on the post not expecting a gift, but to say how funny that skit was, because of how much mothers stress about shopping  for everybody but nobody is stressing about getting gifts for mom.  I felt so special because I was not expecting to be a recipient, so when she messaged me that there was a gift at my door I was really surprised!  Stacia gave me a robe, just like in the SNL sketch!  Every time I wear it I smile because it reminds me of that sketch, and of how good and funny people are."  

And guess what?  Stacia had a great time being the DELIVERY PERSON of kindness!  She said, “It was so fun for me to be an elf!  I truly believe we mammas gotta stick together and lift each other up”. 

She wanted to do something special, and the special factor was off the charts.  In the year of Covid, acts of kindness like this go even further.  We all feel so isolated these days.  Stacia went out of her way to bring joy (and gifts!) to women in the community. 

I hope that her kindness can inspire YOU to do something kind today.  Big, small, any act of kindness makes the world a better place.

 

 

Secret Ikea Kindness

Often people think of ACTS OF KINDNESS as huge, elaborate things that require preparation, time, and money.  But many times they can be simple, spur of the moment, and not that pricey!  And on the very rare occasion, they can be a bit magical and mysterious!  Here is the quick story of one of THOSE acts of kindness…

The other day my sweetheart and I were heading to Ikea.  I saw a neighbor post in a Facebook group that she was hoping someone had an Ikea shelving unit to give away.  I commented on her post that I would be happy to pick up a new one for her while we were at Ikea if she would repay me.  She replied that she didn’t have it in the budget to buy one right now, but was hoping someone had one they were no longer using that they would pass on.

I thought that was the end of my interaction on the matter and had my fingers crossed that someone would give her their old one.  But I never imagined that a different person in the group would see the short exchange and volunteer to be a “mysterious kindness fairy”!

Someone messaged me and said, “Susan, if you go to Ikea and they have the item she wants, grab it and I will reimburse you”.  Just out of the blue!!!  I replied and told her she was amazing, to which she humbly said, “Nah, it’s just been a crap year and this stuff makes me happy”.  AMEN, mystery kindness fairy!!!

THEY HAD IT IN STOCK!  Ikea for the win

Ikea DID have the item, so we bought it and delivered it to the person, telling her that someone wanted her to have it but not giving any names.  She was REALLY SURPRISED and delighted.  Later that evening she wrote, “Some faith restored in the kindness and generosity of stranger(s) this evening.  Thank you, whoever you are!”.  And the next day she sent me this photo of her brand new, fancy storage area!

PERFECT!!!  Printer stand.  Storage boxes.  Ahhh, organized!

So, you see, kindness doesn’t have to be elaborate.  It can be done in secret if you like!  All it has to be is heartfelt.  Your actions can make a difference.  Especially NOW, in this time of turmoil and anxiety in our country, little actions mean a lot.

What can YOU do to make a difference?

Cards of Kindness

Look, I am not naïve enough to think that a little kindness can put a dent in solving what is happening in our country right now.  It feels as if the world is on fire and no amount of kindness can put it out at this point.  Only equality and justice can begin to right these wrongs. 

But today is the first time in over a week that I have been able to focus.  It is the first time I have been able to think of action instead of anger.  Of fighting instead of crying.  So, I thought maybe a tiny dose of kindness was in order and that it might shine a little candlelight in this dark world.

This is a kind act done by a Facebook friend of mine, Katie.  I have met her a couple of times in person, she and I are both interpreters (American Sign Language/English), but mostly we know each other from social media.  A while back she messaged me and ask for my mailing address.  She said she wanted to send me a “Covid Card”.  Curious (and a lover of mail), I replied with my address.

Katie and her dog Collins ("Rent" fans will recognize that name!)

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I found THIS in my mail!!!!

Isn’t it fabulous????  It brightened my day so much!  I asked Katie if I could write about her project here, in the hopes that it might inspire someone else to do something as cool as she did.  Here’s what she told me.

“I love mailing and receiving cards and letters. It can connect you with people you’d never imagine connecting with. I have been struggling with my anxiety and mental illness since the stay at home orders began a couple months ago. I thought it would be helpful for me, and hopefully others, if I were to reach out on an individual level to the people in my life.”

Ok, yeah Katie.  I adore mail.  Like, I literally used to walk down 3 or 4 flights of stairs twice a day just to check and see if I had any mail (and I rarely did).  But that doesn’t mean I thought, “Hey, Susan, why don’t you mail out over 500 Covid cards to people….”.  Yes – you read that right.  She sent out over 500 cards!!  She said she sent 503, but with the stragglers the total will be closer to 505 or 510.  She sent them all over America (Alaska, New York, California, New Mexico, Texas, Louisiana, and all around the east coast). A few lucky people in in England, Ireland, and Australia got them, too!

A playful side of Katie at Niagara Falls

Katie likes to send cards to her friends and family for their birthdays, so this project sort of grew out of that.  She was writing out the birthday cards for March and April, then, “…I remembered how fun it is (to send cards) and how much I enjoy it. I also happened to find a BUNCH of stamps and friendship cards just that month, so I had a lot to get started on without much investment up front. It began as mainly the people I write to on their birthdays. I enjoyed it so much and people were responding SO kindly to the idea, I reached out to as many people as I could on Facebook. I’ve reconnected with a ton of people from my high school!”.

Of course I asked Katie the obvious question, WHY DID SHE DO THIS GRAND GESTURE??  “Partially for my own mental health, but more so for those around me. I thought about doing it for strangers, but the closest I got to that was making one for each person in my apartment building; I don’t know all of those people very well. But I’ve realized what I was really looking for was connections through kindness.”  That’s profound…  And, in the end, I think it is what all of us are looking for – connections through kindness. 

One thing I so admire about Katie is her honesty about mental health.  She doesn’t cloak her mental illness, she talks about it.  Her diagnoses are Bipolar 2 and ADHD.  I think openness like hers is so needed.  If more people were willing to be frank, there would be no stigma attached to mental illness.  When I asked her how she has been doing during Covid 19 she said, “To be honest, not that great. I’ve had a number of mental and physical side effects due to the increased anxiety and stress from being quarantined. My psychiatrist has had to change my meds, which did help, but I’m extremely extroverted, so I need those connections to be more present in my life.”  Isn’t it great that she found a way to make those connections without endangering her health??  US Postal Service to the rescue!!!

The newest Kindness Activist - Katie

But gestures this grand don’t come free….  So, how much DID she spend??  “Oh gosh, I’ve honestly been trying NOT to calculate it, because I’m afraid it’s a good bit, and I haven’t been able to work (the unemployment office thinks it’s paying me, but they haven’t started my payments from when I set it up in April!). But it’s $0.59 per stamp, and in averaging out the MANY sets of greeting cards I had, I maybe spent $1-$2 on each card for each person. So, that’s like almost $800. But as I mentioned, I found a bunch of cards and stamps for probably close to 100 people, so I (hopefully) spent less than that.”

“For my next project,” Katie told me, “I’m going to frame all the cards I’ve received in return and put them on my bedroom wall to remember that there are lots of people out there that I’ve had an impact on.”  Well Katie, my return card (which will include your official Kindness Activist pin and a donation for stamps) will be mailed soon!!!  Thank you for being a source of KINDNESS in the world.

And to everyone else reading, let’s take a tip from Katie.  Maybe we won’t mail 500 cards, but even 3 or 4 would brighten people’s days.  And we all need a bit of kindness these days.

Statue of Kindness

Not gonna lie, I am finding it difficult to see the kindness in the world lately.  There is SO MUCH negativity, so much anger, so much destruction, so much snarkiness.  All of that can be blinding, at least for people who wear their hearts on their sleeves like me. 

So today I am writing a Kindness Activist piece in the hopes that by sitting down and putting my thoughts on "paper" I will be more able to see the KINDNESS that I know is still out there (just hiding from my view).

My cousin Brenda* is one of the kindest people on the planet and often uses her social media to spread information about causes – dogs that are missing, children that are sick, veterans that need help.  Last month she posted something about a statue being stolen from a grave site in Omaha.  And if that isn’t sad enough, it was taken from a CHILD’S GRAVE.  It hurt my heart to think about what that poor family must have thought – they showed up at the grave site for Mother’s Day to find the statue for their little boy was gone.  What kind of mean person does that??

Brayden's grave, with the sweet baseball boy statue before it was stolen

The post had a link to the story on a local news channel:  Local News Story Link

I watched the clip of the story and decided to see if there might be a way to help.  I had a photo of the statue, so I searched online to find a store that might have the same one.  It turned out that Nagel’s Landscaping in St. Paul, Minnesota had it!  I called and they said they could ship it for us.  Of course, it was not a light item to ship, so not cheap. 

Replacement located!  Now how to buy it....

I couldn’t really afford to pay for the statue and shipping myself, so I reached out to friends on social media and in a Facebook group about Kindness.  Before I knew it, we had enough to cover everything!  A complete stranger in the FB group gave a large donation (THANK YOU so much Donna!) and between 7 others we got it all covered. 

Before I could get all of that organized, someone else had gone to the cemetery and replaced the statue with a different one, not quite the same as the one that had been stolen.  Apparently, they cemented it down so that no one could take it (alas, that also means it can’t be replaced with the exact same one that used to be there…).  We decided that even though the grave site now had a new statue, the family might still be happy to get one that looked the SAME as the one that used to be there. 

Replacement ball player, arrived in Nebraska safely!

So, I called the company in Minnesota and they shipped it to my cousin in Nebraska.  She then delivered it to the family, who were overjoyed to get it.  Brenda reported that the mom and her sister cried and hugged her (which is good, as Brenda is an excellent hugger).  The word is that if I get to meet the family the next time I go to Omaha I am scheduled for a hug, too!

The new statue now lives in the family’s garden, where it is a safe and a daily reminder of their little angel. 

Facebook message from the family

This story is a good reminder, to me at least, that even when it feels like the world is full of sadness, if you look hard enough you will see a ray of kindness peeking through.

Thank you note and a photo of the beautiful baby

Be kind.  Please. 

* Here is another Kindness Activist piece featuring my cousin Brenda that I wrote early on in this project.  Like I said, she is super duper kind, and is deserving of many feature articles about her!  83 Pairs of Kindness

Wallet Kindness

This story is a good one, because we can all relate to it.  It is about losing something IMPORTANT. We have all done that, no??  (My most recent example is leaving my entire purse in the bleachers at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington Cemetery, and not noticing I was missing it until we walked waaaay down a BIG hill.  Lucky for me I was with 2 knights in shining armor, Jordan and Zach, who literally RAN up the hill and retrieved my purse (which was perfectly intact!).  Like I said, we can all relate to LOSING SOMETHING IMPORTANT.  But isn’t it simply lovely when that loss turns into something positive?

That’s what happened to my nephew’s wife Lyndsey.  The other day she posted this on Facebook:

"There are good people in the world. Today I lost my wallet at Village Pointe mall. A good person

found my it. She opened it only to find my name.  She looked me up on Facebook and

messaged me to let me know she had found it. She even offered to bring it to me when I

called her! Instead we met in a grocery store parking lot. I am so grateful for good people”

Well I don’t know about you, but when I read something like that my first thought is:  THAT WALLET RETURNING WOMAN MUST BE OFFICIALLY NAMED A KINDNESS ACTIVIST!!!  So I set about getting both women’s sides of what happened with the CASE OF THE LOST WALLET.

Nate, Lyndsey, and Ryker

Lyndsey is mom to son Ryker, who just turned 1.  Ever since Ryker was born, she has used his diaper bag to hold her wallet instead of a purse.  They were shopping the other day and the little dude was fussing and ready to leave Old Navy.  Lyndsey set her wallet on top of the visor part of his stroller, put Ryker in his car seat, and folded up the stroller without thinking that her wallet (and sunglasses) were perched on top of the visor!  The wallet and glasses fell off and landed in the parking lot, and off Lyndsey and Ryker drove…

It wasn’t until after naptime and a trip to the grocery store that she noticed she didn’t have her wallet…  Nothing like needing to pay for groceries and frantically hunting for a wallet that is non-existent, eh?  She rushed out to her car to hunt for it, but of course it wasn’t there.

Lyndsey told me, “I knew it was gone, I panicked and frantically searched through my car, the diaper bag... I even decided to leave my groceries at the store after I told them I would be right back!  I drove back to the shopping mall while calling stores I had been to, to see if anyone had turned it in. No luck.  Then I drove back to the apartment and rummaged through all the rooms with no luck.”

The mysterious missing wallet...

We have ALL had this experience, right??  Just last night I hunted EVERYWHERE for a missing coupon.  I know it is in the house somewhere, but I can’t find it!!  Grrrr…

When Lyndsey was leaving home, she noticed that someone she didn’t know had sent her a Facebook message.   She had seen it pop in earlier but was driving so ignored it (and then forgot about it).  She cancelled some of her credit cards, then remembered - THE FACEBOOK MESSAGE! 

She opened it and it turns out it was, as she put it, “The most beautiful message I have read!”

HAPPINESS in the form on a FACEBOOK MESSAGE!

Tiffany, a very kind woman, had tried to locate the owner of the wallet immediately after finding it. It turns out that Tiffany was driving around waiting for her aunt and uncle to come out of a store. She parked, waited, then drove around a bit. When she saw the wallet, she said, "I had a gut feeling to grab it, but for a split second I thought not to... Because what would happen if someone thought I stole it?".

Tiffany, the WALLET FINDER!!!

Lucky for Lyndsey, Tiffany went with her gut and picked it up. She peeked inside ONLY at the license to learn the owner's name so she could try and find her on Facebook. And find her she did!

I asked Tiffany WHY she decided to return the wallet. I mean, some people would have just left it lying there. Others would have dropped if off in a nearby store and let the clerks worry about it. And still others would have kept it! But Tiffany went to the trouble of tracking down the owner. Why?? "I returned it because that is what I would hope someone would do for me," she said. "I have an amazing family and friends that have shown me so much kindness and love, especially when I lost my husband last year. So I try and pay it forward."

Well Tiffany, you paid it forward indeed.  When Lyndsey got in touch and you found out that she was a long drive away you even offered to DELIVER the wallet to her!  That, my dear, is above and beyond the call of Kindness Activist duty!!!  :)

Lyndsey's HERO Tiffany

The two women met up in a grocery store parking lot and Lyndsey almost started crying when she got her sunglasses and wallet back.  She told Tiffany that she was “Her hero” and thanked her for her kindness with a Starbuck’s giftcard. 

This story shows so many things:  Tiffany didn’t know that the lost wallet was important not just because of the credit cards and money inside, but because the wallet itself was a treasured gift from Lyndsey’s husband.  And Lyndsey had no way of knowing that Tiffany, her hero, had herself had a really tough time with her husband’s recent passing.  I am guessing that Tiffany was happy to be in the role of GIVER of kindness in this instance after being a RECIPIENT of so much kindness and support over the past year.

Tiffany summed it up best by saying: “If we had more kind people, this world would be a better place.  I think people forget to be kind and treat people the way they want to be treated!”.

Oh, and Lyndsey has treated herself to what she calls a new "wallet holder" (aka purse) in celebration of her returned wallet (and of learning an important lesson about being careful where you put your wallet!).

New WALLET HOLDER!