I Almost Didn't Open the Door

I almost didn’t open the door.

Look, I am TIRED.  I am getting over a cold (still coughing, ear still congested).  Work has been hard. 

I am tired.

So when I saw a car parked right by the Little Yellow Free Pantry, I almost didn’t go outside.

I had already done the hard part.  I had gone out and assessed what the pantry was missing (which was almost everything, I think there were 3 random canned goods and one box of mac and cheese).  I had gone downstairs and collected things in a basket.  I had lugged the heavy basket up the stairs.

But then I looked out.

I didn’t recognize the car, but I just had a feeling…

“They are sitting there waiting for me to go out and fill the pantry….” I thought.  “And as soon as I fill it and go back inside, they are going to get out of their car, take everything, then drive off.”

It was not a kind thought.  But I wasn’t in a kind mood.

Having people park outside the pantry then “pounce” is something I have feared ever since the Little Free Pantry at a nearby library closed.  That was what happened there – people would hang out in their cars and wait for a donor to arrive to stock the pantry.  Then they would jump out and empty the shelves.

We have worked hard to not have that culture at the LYFP.  We have a sign that reminds people to take only what they need and leave some for others.  We have conversations with people explaining that many, many people use the pantry, so please be careful to leave food for others.  We also try to model the concept of “enough to go around” by keeping the pantry stocked.  If visitors can come to trust that there will be more food the next time they need it, they are less likely to take too much.

And we have been really successful!  Our guests are by and large very respectful of others and rarely take too much. I am proud of how respectful the community is.

But still, for some reason, I can’t seem to get rid of that nagging fear.

So today, I almost didn’t go out.

Then I made a compromise with myself.  It’s silly, I know, but I am being honest here.  I told myself, “You already lugged the heavy basket upstairs.  You don’t KNOW that car has anyone in it.  And even if it does, it could be an Uber driver or someone just reading their phone. You are being suspicious for no reason.  How about going outside and peeking in the pantry, which will allow you to see if the car is empty or not.  You don’t even have to carry the heavy basket!  Just take a walk in the sunshine and see if your fear is founded in reality or not.” 

That was the deal I made with myself.

So. I opened the front door.

And a stranger was standing right there on the porch, not even having had the time to knock or ring the bell yet.

“Oh, hi!” I said, a bit startled.  “Can I help you?”

A meek voice politely said, “Umm, yes.  I saw online, umm, is this, may I, is this the place where I can get some food?  I am staying in my car…”.

And just like that, my defenses went down. 

My heart was warmed.

My kindness returned.

And I was moved.

“Yes!  Yes.  This is the place.  There is a yellow box right around the corner with food,” I said, gesturing to the LYFP.  “Wait, actually, there is not much in it at the moment…  Usually there is.  Ummm, tell you what.  I will go down and get you some food.  You can choose what you would like.  Do you have anything in particular you want?  Any allergies?” I asked.

“Oh.  Anything really.  Any food.  No allergies.  But, ummm, I am in my car…” they reminded me sheepishly.

“No worries!  I get it.  Please wait here.  I will bring up some food that will work without cooking it.”

And off I went. 

I ignored the heavy basket I had already brought up and went down to make this new guest a basket of specially curated items.

Shelf stable almond milk.

Soup that doesn’t need water added.

Fruit.

Canned meat.

Granola bars.

A can opener.

Deodorant.

Toothpaste and toothbrush.

Pre-cooked pasta.

Pre-cooked seasoned rice.

Packets to make water taste like flavors.

Some drinks.

Heat and eat meals (Compleats).

Ramin in a cup (just add hot water).

A cup of cereal.

Pop-Tarts.

Graham crackers.

Peanut butter mixed with chocolate.

Garlic.

Apple sauce.

Mango cup.

Pepper.

And more.

I grabbed a large canvas tote and climbed the stairs with the haul.

When I went back on the porch I explained, “OK.  These are your choices!  If you want something, you put it in this bag.  If not, it will be for someone else.”

And I started pulling items out.

At first, they were hesitant to take much.  They accepted one or two things, then started saying no.

“Hey, this is all for you.  It is your first time here!  Usually, we won’t be able to give you this much.  But today – anything you want from here is yours.”

“Oh, ummm, ok….”  they said quietly, then started saying yes. 

There was a no to something, I forgot what, then the explanation, “I have diabetes”.  Oh my –diabetes is a hard illness to navigate under traditional circumstances.  I can’t imagine trying to keep blood sugar under control while living in a car.

I was more careful in what I offered after that.  “Here is applesauce, but I am sure it has sugar…”.

“That’s ok, a little bit is alright.”

Item by item, we moved things from the basket to the bag.  Some things stayed behind for others – toothpaste and toothpaste they had, they didn’t want to take too much soup (again, I think not wanting to be selfish).

I pulled out 2 Hormel Compleats meals.  I held them up and started to explain, “Now this is a whole meal, all you have to do is…” and they interrupted me with a big smile, “YES!  I KNOW THOSE.  YES!”.  Into the bag.

When we were finished, they looked at their haul and said quietly, “This is enough food for a whole month.”

They looked around our porch which has quite a few things on it.  “Do you take books?” they asked quietly.  I replied with my usual line – “No, no we don’t take books.  We only accept food and toiletries.”

I smiled.

“You are always welcome back.  Let me show you where the Pantry is for next time.”

I took them around the corner.  “It usually has more food than this.  I need to fill it.  Next time, you come here.  If it is dark, when you open the door, the lights will come on so you can see what we have.”

I told them my name and asked theirs.  We shook hands.  I noticed the license plates were from another state.  They explained they had just moved here, hoping to find work.  They had been looking for a year in their old state, and they thought maybe there were more opportunities in the DC area.

They are looking to rent a room.  I wished I had resources to recommend, but I didn’t.

“You don’t take books?” they asked again, very sincerely.

And then I understood.

They didn’t want to just receive.  They wanted to give.  Giving allows you to keep your dignity.  Giving shows your gratefulness. 

It was not just a book.  It was a gift.

“Oh, do you have a book??” I asked.

“Yes!  Yes!  A very good book.  I just finished it.”

“We would love it.  In fact, I will read it right away,” I said.

 

“Oh.  Well, it is in Spanish…” they explained.

“That’s great!  I will give it to my friend!  She knows Spanish and loves to read!”.

They smiled and retrieved the book from the front seat.  I accepted the gift, happy to provide a way for them to retain dignity and be respected.

“Remind me your name?” they asked. 

We exchanged names again.

And before they left, I asked, “May I give you a hug?”.

The look of caring on their face.  A gentle nod.

We hugged, the stranger and I.  Right there on the sidewalk.  Cars passed.  I think a runner went by. 

We hugged longer than “appropriate” for strangers.

They held me tight.

I imagine it had been quite a long time since they had any human contact, and they were craving it.

I felt their back quiver.  The quivers that sneak out when you are holding in tears.

“I will see you next time.  I am glad I met you,” I said as I made my exit.

And before I could turn the corner, I heard a voice say quietly and sincerely, “Thank you, Susan.  THANK YOU.”

No new friend – thank YOU.

Thank you for reminding me why we do what we do here.

Thank you for melting the cold shell I had put up today.

Thank you for the hug.

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If you would like to donate food for the Little Yellow Free Pantry, the Amazon wish list can be found here:  Little Yellow Free Pantry wish list