There are a million things one could reasonably say I “should” be doing right now.

But I shall cast those “should”s aside, and instead sit down and write a short story of something magical that happened this week.

May 15^th is my sister Annette’s birthday. 

Actually, some might find it is awkward to say “is”, because most people would say  “was”.  You see, my sister died of glioblastoma (GBM) in December 2019 at the age of 58.  But I say – I am the mourning sister, I can chose to use language in whatever form I see fit. 

So, May 15^th is my sister Annette’s birthday. 

And I chose to celebrate the day by thinking of her and doing things that she enjoyed.

I hit up a local thrift store that was new to me – she LOVED thrift shopping!  And not only did she enjoy it, she was good at it.  There is an art to real thrift shopping, and she was an artist in the highest degree.  And she didn’t shop just “normal” thrift stores, oh no, she shopped at what we call the “junky Goodwill”!!  That’s a store where instead of paying per ITEM, you pay per POUND.  “Treasures” are wheeled out every 30 minutes or so in huge bins, and shoppers go at them like hungry vultures.

Find a Scrabble game missing the board?  She could find it in another bin.

Find a baby toy with 4 out of 5 pieces??  Not to worry – Annette would scour the store until the game was complete.

And find A SHOE – not a pair of shoes, but A SHOE??  You can bet that my sister would find the mate.  (She might even stare down another shopper who was on the same mission and had the mate in THEIR cart…)

I tell you this to say – when I was at the thrift shop and found a single shoe, a shoe that I DID NOT WANT, mind you, but was ON IT’S OWN (and was strangely interesting…) – I STARTED MY HUNT.  I knew the mate was around there somewhere!  I mean, who would’ve bought only ONE SHOE???

I even enlisted the aid of a fellow shopper.  “Ma’am, you see this shoe??  I am looking for the mate!  Can you help me?” I asked.  “Oh honey, those shoes are so YOU!” she said, not knowing that my motive was not to buy the shoes, but simply to succeed in the mission of finding the other one.  Since the shoes had rocks embedded all throughout the sole, I told my assistant to please holler “ROCK!!!” if she spied the mate.

As I looked, I smiled and thought of Annette.  It wouldn’t have taken her nearly as long as it did me to think of hunting in the men’s shoe section.  And when she found it (as I eventually did, then ran with it to yell “roooock!!” at the shopper who was helping me hunt) – when SHE found it, she would’ve bought the shoes.  But since they were much too big for me, and since they looked like actual torture devices, I left them in the store (all matched up neatly now).

But that is not the story I came here to tell. 

I want to share about another part of May 15^th, the part where I went into a nail salon as Kindness Activist to pay for a stranger’s nails.

You see, Annette went to nail school and for a while she did manicures and pedicures.  And decades before that, during my senior year of high school she used toothpicks to paint intricate designs on my long nails many, many times.  So as part of my celebration honoring her birthday, I knew that paying for someone’s nails was on the agenda.

I peeked into the big window of the nail salon near our home.  I felt a sense of panic when there appeared to be NO customers.  This was the one thing I knew I wanted to do on May 15^th.  It was a perfect blend of Annette and me – her nails and my Kindness Activist work.  I walked around a bit and peeked in another window, craning my neck to see the spa chairs. 

And there she was!!!!  A woman with her feet in the water, about to get a pedicure! 

I was so excited.  I had written a little note on the back of a Kindness Activist card that I thought I would give to the recipient as I paid and ask her to give it to the client.  The note said something about how this gift was in honor of my sister who did nails. 

I went to the cash register and explained that I wanted to pay for the woman’s nails.  “What woman?” the clerk asked. 

I thought, ummm, the only woman in here right now???

 

But she insisted that I identify what woman, and so I followed her back to the nail area, expecting to see the woman I had spied through the window.  But, surprise, there were 2 women getting treatments!  Oops!! 

I pointed to the woman I had seen through the window and clarified, “THAT WOMAN!”.

Then I approached her, with her feet in the warm water resting.  I quietly explained that I wanted to pay for her nails today, and that it was in honor of my sister.  “I will pay for the nails, but you leave a good tip, ok??”.  She happily agreed to that arrangement and looked at me a bit in shock.

 

“May I hug you??” she asked.

 

It is rare that I would say no to a hug, so I bent down and we gave each other a big squeeze.  “This is the kind of thing that happens on TV,” she said, “I never ever expected it to happen to me,”.

I paid for her manicure and pedicure, and as I walked out of the salon I cried. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but the woman getting her nails done also cried.

And how do I know that??   Well, I found out 3 days later.

You see, Thursday night I walked out onto the front porch to do some work for the Little Yellow Free Pantry, and a woman walked up.  She smiled a very big smile and said, very thoughtfully, “Thank you”.

Now, you should know that strangers passing our home saying “Thank you” is not unusual.  People holler it from their cars.  People shout it out from their bicycles.  And pedestrians stop and chat and say thanks.

So, at first, I thought this was an “overall thank you”.  You know, thank you for the work you do for the community.  Thank you for spreading kindness. 

But this particular thank you seemed so heartfelt, so personal…. 

I looked the woman in the eye, returned her smile, and said, “You are welcome”.

And that’s when she held up her hands to show me her pink fingernails.

“It was me.  You paid for my nails.  Thank you.”

I never thought I would see her again!  Most of the Kindness Activist actions do not get the closure that this one did.  The woman explained that she and the friend who was with her walk by our home about four days a week.  She knew our house – the “Just Be Kind” sign, the whole vibe of the place.  And she had taken time to look at the Kindness Activist website after I gave her the card with the note on it, so she understood the depth of the work.

She told me that she had tried to write to me several times since May 15^th, but she teared up each time and couldn’t finish.  I told her that part of my belief as a Kindness Activist is that we all deserve kindness.  “I knew you had enough money to pay for your services that day,” I told her.  “If you didn’t you wouldn’t have been there.  But it isn’t about ‘need’, it is about KINDNESS.”

She looked at me intently and explained that the kindness had come at the perfect time.  She had taken herself to the salon that day to try and treat herself – to cheer herself up.  She is going through a rough patch, and she needed to do something special for herself.  And that is when the kindness just magically appeared.

Isn’t that the sweetest?  That it all just happened so perfectly – she was where she needed to be, and I was where I needed to be.  And our interaction brought a bit of healing to BOTH of us that day.  “I never thought anything like that would happen to me,” she said. 

It is not the big things, friends.  It’s not surprising people with new cars or sending them on a week-long vacation.

It is the tiny things.  Smiling at the stranger.  Letting the person ahead of you in traffic.  Complimenting the cashier on their necklace.  Giving a tired mom with a cranky toddler a look of, “This is hard, but you are a good mother”.  BEING KIND.

I hope that after I die, when my birth date is a “was” and not an “is”, people who knew me take time on June 16^th to honor my memory by going out and doing something kind.  Anything!  Just something.

Wait…  Why wait until I am dead???  Maybe NOW, this year, on June 16^th, you can all do something kind for someone…  And you can email me and tell me what you did (with photos or drawings please!!) and I can put your stories of kindness together and share them here!!!  Oh that would be such a wonderful birthday present – I would LOVE it. 

So, if you would be so kind, please go out into the world on June 16, 2023 and SPREAD SOME KINDNESS.  Be a Kindness Activist.  Then email me the story of what you did at:  kindnessactivist@gmail.com .  Pretty please!

 

P.S. – the woman who was treated to a free mani/pedi told me, “I have wanted to come to your house and talk to you, but I didn’t want to seem like a weirdo or something”.  Friends – I talk to people that I have never met before all day!  I love chatting with new people!  So never ever think you are a “weirdo” for approaching a stranger to talk.  The worst they can do is ignore you, and if they do, no harm no foul!

P.P.S. - Here are the thrift store shoes!!  

Before the hunt

AFTER!!!  Found both!  And ouchie wawa they look painful.
I know, I know, they are chakra/massage/special/something-or-other,
but they also look painful and weighed about 5 lbs each :) 

 

 

 

Kindness Ripples

One thing that brings me both pride and joy is taking a moment to pause and take in the KINDNESS RIPPLES that are flowing.

Kindness Ripples are kind actions that occur because the person doing them has been inspired by other acts of kindness.  These ripples are at the heart of Kindness Activist – my belief in ripples makes me brave enough to put myself out there and talk about kindness to the world.

The longer I have been engaged in Kindness Activism, the more ripples I see.  Maybe it is because my eyes have become more astute at spotting them, I don’t know.  But what I do know is that they happen every single day:

-         A stranger drove by recently, saw me outside doing something, and made a u-turn to come back.  He explained that he met me about a decade ago when I was standing outside sharing slices of fresh peaches that we had picked from our tree.  He appreciated that gesture and has been watching the kindness emanate from the Big Yellow House ever since.  I didn’t even REMEMBER handing out peach slices, but I dug back in my photos and sure enough, on August 3, 2014 (well before the idea of Kindness Activist was conceived), I stood outside and handed out fresh fruit from our tree!!  So, this stranger who had been the recipient of kindness so many years ago reached into his pocket and donated $60 to the cause!  That was one long lasting ripple!

When your peach tree is prolific, you SHARE!  August 2014

-         People we have never met walk by and bravely take time to stop and say “Thank you.  I don’t know you, but thank you for all you do for the community.  You are an inspiration.”  I have to believe that they then carry that inspiration, that ripple, with them on their walk and do something kind for someone. 

-         A woman stops by every once in a while.  I have met her and know her name, but we have never had a chance to have a real conversation.  But she pops over to our porch or hails me to her car and gives a donation.  She recently gave $100.  She wants to see the kindness continue.  She has caught a ripple.

-         A friend told me the other day that because of what she has witnessed Kindness Activist do, she has become a kinder person.  She, too, has caught a ripple.  She explained that she is consciously trying to be more kind in her own life now.

-         Another friend is an artist and recently began selling beautiful photographs that she has taken and printed.  She could use the money – rent here in the DC metro area is very expensive and she is also dealing with some health issues which can result in big medical bills.  But instead of keeping all of her hard-earned income, she donated 10% of it to Kindness Activist.  Ripple.

-         People stop and take photos of the green neon “Just Be Kind” sign that glows from our front porch every night.  It’s funny – many people are too shy or embarrassed to come up and say hi.  Sometimes when I see them out there, I smile and wave, and they quickly put their phones down and walk away, ashamed that I “caught” them I guess.  But people – I am grateful for your photos!  Because I know they will be posted to Instagram and Twitter your friends will see them and their friends will see them ….  And that little green sign will work quietly to spread ripples all night long.

Simple message.  
I was nervous about spending Kindness Activist funds on a neon sign, but it turned out to be a great investment as it has created MANY ripples ($201.37).

And finally, one more story of an amazing ripple. 

A local father reached out to me via Facebook message and said, “Our kids have a “charity bucket” as part of their allowances.  They aren’t allowed to spend it but choose where to donate.  They chose to give half of their 2022 donation to Kindness Activist.  What’s the best way to do that?”   

THANK YOU NEIGHBORS!

Oh my goodness!!!!  Even children are catching the kindness ripples!!  The dad told me that the children earn $1 a week allowance (plus interest) and one of the “buckets” that they have for the money is charity.  When I expressed my gratitude and disbelief that 3 young kids were willing to donate $300 to Kindness Activist, he told me, “It was an easy decision for them as they see your work in the neighborhood.  And our youngest is a frequent consumer of everything you offer around the holidays”. 

Isn’t that so sweet??? Kindness Ripples in ACTION!  Makes me proud and very, very happy.  I wrote them a thank you and it was fun telling them the cool ways that their donation spread kindness.

What act of kindness can YOU do today that will inspire a Kindness Ripple?  It doesn’t have to be a big gesture – any simple act of kindness will do.  And, because of ripples, your act will beget another act which will beget another act…  And the ripples will just keep on flowing.

 

 

Weekend of KINDNESS!

What.  A.  Weekend!!!

It was a weekend chock full of more kindness than any 2 days should be able to hold!  It was glorious!

A few months ago, I got excited thinking about creating some art with kids again (which is always fun!) and scheduled a Junior Kindness Activist event – making Mother’s Day gifts (now, in the spirit of the Big Yellow House being inclusive and not having a whole heck of a lot of structure or rules, these gifts were not specifically for mothers, but could be made to give to anyone).  We have done several of these events:  parents sign their child up, then drop them off for an hour-ish of CREATIVITY!  They make a piece of art to take home (and the parent gets a well deserved hour of peace).  There are some kids who are “regulars” and know how it all works and feel safe when their adult leaves, and others who are new to the experience and are a bit more trepidatious.

26 kids came for this one - in only 2 days!   Sign-ups were done in advance with a maximum of 4 kids per time slot.  And wow, did we have fun!!  The project this time was a special flower in a little flower pot and a card.  Kids painted their pots and flowers and filled the pots with pretend dirt.  There were sequins available to artists.  And glass beads.  Oh – and GLITTER, did I mention glitter??  The regulars have come to expect that when they come to Miss Susan’s to craft, they WILL be allowed to use glitter (even if the person they are making the gift for is not a big fan of this “ingredient”…). 

We used so many supplies this time!  Here are the ones that I can remember:  colored paper, glitter, markers, glue, sequins, paint pens, paint, paint brushes, more glitter, wooden sticks, rocks, glass beads, even more glitter, clay pots, fake flowers made of some sort of thin wood I think, silk leaves, card paper, shiny rock bits, floral foam, and GLITTTTER!  Many of these items were donations that came in for the Kindness Yard Sale that were squirreled away for this project instead (thank you donors – I hope you are cool with this use of the items!). 

The kids who created, ranging in ages from 2 to 10, were so lovely!!  They were polite and funny and artistic and silly and all-around fantastic.  We had kids who weren’t sure what their mother’s favorite color was and then one kid who actually knew his mom’s favorite FLOWER (and chose to make one that looked just like that variety to surprise her).  We had kids who thanked their moms in their cards for being the best mom in the whole wide world (how can so many of you be the best one in the world…) to one child who admitted in their card that maybe this hadn’t been the best of years…  We had kids who wanted to use every single color of paint imaginable to one who simply wanted to use BLACK (but later decided to spice it up by adding some yellow).  And we had everything in between.

One very proud artist - her flower pot is next to her

And we had SNACKS.  Ahhh snacks!  Thank you to donors of the Little Yellow Free Pantry – snack supplies were pulled from the pantry stock.  Capri Suns hit the spot on this sunny weekend, and chips, candies, fruit leathers, crackers, and more delighted the artists.

Artists hard at work

Special thanks to volunteers Nadya (who stayed much longer than the times she registered for and made the perfect model of the project), and Gary and Marc (who helped with the clean-up and giggled with me when the child asked for the “teal marker” – since when did kindergartners differentiate shades of blue??). 

 

Kindness Activist funds used:  $23.63 (lots of the craft supplies (like the glitter!!) were from my stash and others were donated so this came in at a great price!)

Only, as I alluded to at the beginning of this story, this was a BUSY WEEKEND…  So, making crafts was not the only Kindness Activist event.  Oh no, as kids and I were working in the BACKYARD, the PLANT WHISPERERS were working in the FRONTYARD!

You see, May 6^th was the Kindness Plant Sale, too!!! 

A group of amazing women in the community asked last year if they might pitch in and host a plant sale to raise money for Kindness Activist.  They said they would do everything, but could they host it at our house since we live on such a busy corner??  Well now, who could resist that offer???

So, this was the 3^rd Kindness Plant Sale and my oh my, was it ever successful!!  People donated so many plants and plant related items!  There were huge plants, baby plants, plants with thorns, plants with smooth leaves, PLANTS, PLANTS, PLANTS!  And they were gorgeous!! 

The sun was shining.  The air was warm.  And the shoppers turned out!  Boy howdy, did they turn out!

The event was supposed to last for 4 hours on Saturday, but because there were SO MANY donations, we had plenty left to extend another day, so we opened on Sunday too (albeit with a skeleton crew 😊 ). 

Generous shoppers/donors hit it out of the park on this one, people.  The Kindness Plant Sale more than doubled the total the volunteers brought in last time!!  I am so very grateful to these neighbors – thank you thank you thank you!

And if you did not get a chance to stop by and enjoy the extravaganza in person, remember, it’s not too late to shop the companion online auction event!!!  But you better check it out soon, because the final gavel bangs at 10:00 pm ET on May 9^th.  You know what they say – bid early and bid often!!  The proceeds from the online auction will also go to Kindness Activist and will be used to spread kindness.  Link to the online Kindness Plant Sale Art Auction here:  Kindness Plant Sale Art Auction

Kindness Activist funds raised from the Kindness Plant Sale so far:  $2330 (and more is likely to trickle in, the GIGANTIC yucca that was donated is now listed on Facebook Marketplace…)

Other kind things that happened in this short weekend:

-         We brought a hot dinner to our homeless friend

-         An AMAZING neighbor donated a very nice sofa to our friend (and a Kindness Activist volunteer) who just received permanent housing from the county – and not only did he donate the sofa, he donated the use of his TRUCK so that we could deliver it!

-         Another neighbor helped us get the sofa out of a basement apartment (not easy) and transport it.  Then he refused to accept money for his help.

-         A stranger helped carry sofa pillows and hold doors for us

-         A community member who needed something for dinner was comfortable enough to ask for it and received it

-         A neighbor girl who is a pantry guest was very happy to receive the first ever box of Q-Tips that pantry has had

-         A pantry visitor received a hot meal

-         Supplies were donated to the pantry 

 

More thanks to:

·        The woman who bought David and I lunch when we hadn’t eaten

·        The children who worked at the lemonade stand (and sold a LOT of drinks and treats!)

·        The people who work literally year-round to propagate and grow plants for these sales

·        The woman who bought David and I a box of wine 😊

·        The woman who made the cool Kindness Plant Sale sign for the last event that was used again this time

·        The women who patiently instruct those of us who do not know much about plants how often we should water our purchases and how much light they need

·        The stranger who recognized me in line at Trader Joe’s buying a cart full of flowers to make into bouquets for the sale and gave me a $25 gift card to help pay for them

·        The partners of the women who give up a lot of their time to come set up, sell, and tear down this massive event

·        The woman who brought David and I a bag of homegrown lettuce

·        The shoppers, many of whom donate more than they know the items are worth to keep this mission alive

·        The person who pulled up next to David and I at a red light when our Prius hatchback was full of the biggest yucca tree I have ever seen and said, “Hey, I bet you are going to the Kindness Plant Sale!” and made us crack up

·        The woman who brought David and I fresh watermelon

·        The woman who made cupcakes with EDIBLE FLOWERS on top to sell at the lemonade stand so that they would match the theme of the event

·        The women who holed up in our basement drinking “elf juice” and making floral arrangements until midnight (even if you did make fun of the ONE arrangement I made…)

·        The partner (#husbandforscale) who gave up his entire weekend to jump into this mumbo jumbo messy fun

·        The volunteers who stayed much longer than they ever planned to

·        The people who donated plants

·        The people who came to shop

·        And anyone I have forgotten in my exhausted state

From Donuts to Fancy Gowns (and Everything in Between...)

This update on Kindness Activist funds not only includes how they have been used, but how even more came in.

First up – “It’s Friday night, and you know what that means…”.  My partner David and I have taken to picking up meals for community members when we are in the grocery store.  We get our groceries, then decide on what meal we will grab for someone else.  Sometimes it is dinner, sometimes breakfast for the next morning.  We gather what looks tasty to us, photograph it, then post about it in a local Facebook group, always starting with the line, “It’s Friday night (or Tuesday or Thursday…), and you know what that means…”.  We explain what food is on offer and that whoever receives the meal must run out to our car and meet us to pick it up.  We have had a great time with these deliveries and met some very sweet neighbors!! 

Dinner anyone?

Total Kindness Activist funds spent on these meals since the last report:  $117.23

 

Next – a donation.  The other day as I was walking from the pantry back into the house, a car honked at me.  This is not uncommon – we live on a very busy street and I am outside a lot.  I am quite good at “interpreting” honks!  There is the “go you idiot - the light is green!” honk.  The “you just turned right in front of me and I almost hit you!” honk.  And the “hi Susan!” honk.   This was a “hi Susan” honk.  I turned and waved (though honestly did not know who I was waving at…).  As I turned back to walk inside, I heard another honk.  This seemed to be a “come over here please” honk.  And sure enough, when I looked, the woman who had honked to say hello had pulled over, rolled down her window, and was waving at me to come to her car.

She had a beautiful smile and a warm welcome.  She said that she drives by our home often and has always hoped to catch me outside.  She appreciates the projects and work that happens at the Big Yellow House and was eager to pitch in and be a part of it.  She told me that her name was Mary and handed me a $20 bill.  Isn’t that sweet??

Total Kindness Activist funds received from a stranger who caught a Kindness ripple:  $20

And now, a story of new beginnings.  I got this message from a neighbor: “I was wondering if you might be able to check something for me.  One of the Afghans I am helping just got a job as a security guard, and they told him that he needs a black coat/jacket.  Would you have anything that might fit the description in a men’s medium?  Thanks so much!”.

Well, I think that that situation calls for a NEW COAT, don’t you?  A person who arrived in this country not long ago, with a brand new job, making a fresh start?  Yes, that man needed a NEW COAT!  The woman who reached out to me and I checked out Amazon and found a coat that looked perfect.  And because of the amazing Amazon Prime, the coat arrived quickly.  Project Warmth was in high gear at the time, so we had a great pair of brand new gloves and new warm socks to round out the gift.  The person who contacted me said that the coat recipient loves America, especially now that he has a job!

Total Kindness Activist funds spent:  $51.98

Here’s a tale of another donation.  A family that lives near us is barely scraping by.  It is a multi-generational household that has a hard time putting food on the table.  They sometimes check the pantry to see if there is anything that they would like to eat.  Well, the other day one of the family members saw me outside and said, “Miss Susan, I feel drawn in my heart to make a contribution”.  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a $5 bill.  “No, no, you don’t need to do that,” I said, knowing that they don’t have $5 to spare.  But he insisted.  He wanted to give back. 

That happens often at the Little Yellow Free Pantry.  Guests who come to get items sometimes also donate items.  Often, they will bring canned goods to the pantry that they received at the local food bank.  I think they get their allocation of food from the food bank, sort it out and decide what they need/want, and donate the rest of it to the LYFP so that others can eat.  Isn’t that beautiful?  So, I accepted the man’s $5 donation.  Not only will it fund some kindness, it also gave him a sense of self-worth that had to feel good.

Total Kindness Activist funds received from a neighbor who uses the LYFP:  $5

And speaking of the Little Yellow Free Pantry…  I was outside filling it up the other day as the local middle school kids were walking by on their way home.  One young man who I did not know stopped to say hello.  I asked him if he wanted anything, and he said, “You have a lot of food.  Can you donate some canned goods?”.  “Oh!  Are you collecting food?” I asked.  “Yes, for the homeless,” he explained.  I asked if it was a project for his Boy Scout troop and he said that no, it was for the middle school. 

I was so impressed that this boy was brave enough to stop and ask!  And of course, this is a perfect project to use Kindness Activist funds on.  “Sure!” I told him.  “I will order some canned goods for you.  What would you like me to donate?”.  That one stumped him…  He wasn’t sure.  “Well, people who are homeless like to eat the same things you like to eat!” I explained.  In the end, we decided on a vegetable, some soup, and a fruit.  I had him write down his name and number so that I could text him when the food arrived, but I couldn’t quite read the writing and was not sure the text I sent was delivered.  So, today we dropped the canned goods off at the school’s office.  The secretary could not read the writing, either, but I hope they figure out who the child was so that he can get credit for being so brave and asking!

Total Kindness Activist funds spent:  $58.43

One more story about food pantries…  A friend who works at a local Title 1 elementary school contacted me.  Title 1 schools in the US serve low income students.  The friend’s message said, “Hi – the local bank delivers food every month for a food pantry at our school.  I just found out they can’t provide it by our pantry date this month”.  She explained that 120 families at the school rely on that pantry, and if she could raise funds, some staff would go to a store where they could stretch the dollars and do their best to ensure those people had food. 

Kindness Activist donated $200, and she was able to double that with other donations.  The following week we received a box of beautiful donated produce and that was also given to the school to share with their families.  Because, you know, everyone deserves good food.

Total Kindness Activist funds spent:  $200

Ok, final story for this report!  A little neighbor girl has become a model -taking classes and participating in fashion shows.  This has to be great for her self-esteem, but it is tough on her mamma’s pocketbook!!  And of course, mamma has other financial obligations, too…

So, Kindness Activist treated the girl to a dress of her choosing for one of her events.  When the girl put it on, she told her mom that she felt “like Cinderella, and Miss Susan (Kindness Activist) is my Fairy Godmother”.  Mom has promised to share the gown with another model when it no longer fits her daughter, so that the Kindness ripple can spread even further.

Total Kindness Activist funds spent:  $52.99

 

 

And In The Midst of It All - LILACS

This is a story about misconceptions.

And hopeful interpretations.

And false assumptions.

And perfect timing.

And an apology.

A pantry guest that I have told you about before, one that we have become friends with, we will call him Blue Bike Man, was sent to the Emergency Room yesterday.  I know this because a neighbor who is also friends with him witnessed the paramedics taking him away from the grocery store on a stretcher.

Here is where we find the first hopeful interpretation – the meaning of the word FRIENDS. 

I call this gentleman my friend, but the truth is that he would likely not be able to pick me up out of a line up.  He has severe memory issues, so severe that he cannot remember the names of his own grown children.  Is “friend” a label that can be applied to our relationship?  I consider him a friend, to him I am a stranger that he meets over and over and over.

When I heard he was taken away in an ambulance I rushed to the grocery store to ask the woman who had alerted me (who is my friend in the traditional sense of the word) what had happened.  She didn’t have details, but we agreed that his blue bike needed to be rescued before it was stolen (you see, he has long since lost one of several bike locks that were given to him to keep the bike safe, since, well…  memory issues.)

I drove around and located the bike parked neatly in a bike rack.  I called my partner David and asked him to drive our hatchback vehicle to meet me so we could transport the bike to our house.  “If you come home and pick me up and bring me to the bike, I will just ride it home,” David told me. 

So, before I headed to the hospital to see what I could find about the fate of Blue Bike Man, I witnessed David (my main man) jauntily riding the old bike down the road, sunlight bouncing off the handlebars and David’s silly blue pork pie hat completing the look. 

Now, an important piece to this story is that Blue Bike Man lives on the street.  Somehow (I can’t understand how…) he remembers that his “spot” is in front of a local business’ door, under an awning, on the main road near our house.  He has a piece of cardboard he leaves there to lie on.  That’s where I can find him to deliver a hot meal on a cold night.

Ever since we met him maybe 5 or 6 months ago, he has been a mystery to me.  His memory loss is so severe, and he has an odd speech pattern where he sometimes grunts a bit mid-word.  He and I have sat on our front stairs while he eats and he tells me the same stories over and over and over (it makes me feel better to know he gets a hot meal at least once in a while). 

I had to sit in the Emergency Room waiting room a bit before I could go back to visit him.  The place was packed!  There were people of all ages and it was clear that Blue Bike Man was not the only person experiencing homelessness who had shown up to the ER that night.  While I waited I people watched.  I could hear the conversation of a duo near me; an old, white woman and a middle-aged black man.  The woman looked to be the patient, but she was chatting happily while they sat.  She may have had some memory issues herself.  It was sweet listening to them talk.  Everyone wore masks, but I looked over at the man and made eye contact, then smiled, letting him know with my eyes that I thought it was sweet of him to assist her.

I went back to visit my friend, who didn’t appear to know who I was but nonetheless was happy to see me.  We chatted (the same stories he always tells me – it is all one-sided conversation as he doesn’t seem capable of asking questions or interested in anything the person he is talking with has to say).  The nurses basically left us alone – they had already hooked him up to heart monitors and a pulse oximeter before I arrived.  There was drama when the nurse came to draw blood – oh he was scared!  He is a 63 year old man, but the thought of a needle going into his arm had him worked up!  He shook and almost cried!  I tried to get him to do some deep breathing but truthfully, he wasn’t really buyin’ it. 

We waited for a doctor to come in.  And waited.  And waited.  Like I said, the ER was busy.  And it was full of characters!  Right outside my friend’s bay was a man on a hospital bed in the hallway, David and I called him “talk to himself guy”.  He had a running conversation, only there was no one there to talk with.  And there was “puffy vest guy” – a man who had cut the sleeves off a winter coat and made a DIY puffy vest.  And eventually, the old woman from the waiting room got wheeled back, too.  She also had a bed in the hallway and not a room. 

After an hour or so I popped out to talk to the companion of the old woman I had seen in the waiting area.  He explained that he was a neighbor to the woman and that she is 85 years old.  She was tiny and frail looking and had a bad, bad cough.  But she was peppy! 

We had spoken a few minutes when the man said, “I want to apologize to you.  A heartfelt, sincere apology.”

What?  An apology?  For what??  I couldn’t imagine what he felt he had done in the short time we had been seated near each other in the waiting room that would demand an apology.

“Ummm, ok…  An apology for what??” I asked.

“I know who you are.  I knew who you were right away when I saw you in the lobby.  Your name is Susan.”

Ok, now this was getting stranger…  I had no idea who this man was, yet he recognized me even when I was wearing a yellow mask??

“Yes, that’s my name.  And what is yours?”

He told me his name, then continued.  “I want you to know I am sorry, truly sorry,” he said in a very measured and thoughtful manner.  “I did something that offended you.  I didn’t mean to, but I did.  And I am sorry.”

He went on to describe an online interaction between the two of us that must’ve happened 2 or 3 years ago.  He had asked me a question, I had taken issue with what he wrote or how he wrote it, and I went off on him.

I could not remember the incident he was talking about, but it obviously happened because he clearly recalled every little nuance of it.

“Oh my, I am sorry!  You must’ve caught me on a bad day…” I stammered.

“No, no.  You were very offended.  I shouldn’t have said it how I did, and I am genuinely sorry.  You blocked me after that I think, because I couldn’t see your page anymore.  But I had looked at it, I saw everything you do for the community.  Then I knew what you looked like.  That’s how I recognized you tonight.”

I had blocked him!  I don’t do that often, usually just for catfish spam-type accounts that contact me.  Whatever he said (that I do not remember) must’ve really hit a nerve with me.

“I accept your apology.  And I am sorry, too.  Thank you.  Thank you for speaking with me tonight and telling me this,” I said as I put my hand out to shake his.

I was impressed with his bravery.  I don’t think I would ever have spoken up had the situation been reversed. 

The doctor was coming into my friend’s room so I excused myself to go back.  Blue Bike Man failed the cognitive test miserably (didn’t know where he was, didn’t know the month or the year (though the month and the year are trick questions if you ask me – why should someone living on the street know or care what month it is??).  I explained to the doctor that I was just a neighbor, a friend, who didn’t know anything about this man’s medical history.  All I knew was – he was living on the street, we tried to get him into a shelter recently and failed, and he needed (in my opinion) to be in a supportive atmosphere for memory care patients. 

The doctor agreed that a shelter was the wrong environment and said she would try to get a case manager to come down and speak with him to see if perhaps they could find a better placement.

Only, it was Sunday night, and there were no case managers to be found.  So, after 5 ½ hours at the ER with my buddy, I left him finally lying down and sleeping in the bed (with a pillow and blanket, luxuries).  He wore a hospital gown, but under that had on not one but two pairs of jeans, old, dirty wool socks, and tennis shoes with the beginnings of holes in them.  All while he slept.  But hey – you live on the street, you are used to sleeping without pajamas, right?

My partner David went up to the ER this morning at 8 am to sit and wait for the case manager (we had been told she would likely come between 8:00 and 10:00 am).  I had to work today and was so grateful that David was willing to go up and advocate for our friend.

Throughout this whole experience I keep thinking about my own family values.  In my family, when someone is sick (especially sick enough to go to the hospital!), they are not alone.  Family gathers.  If visitation is limited, we rotate in and out of the room.  But a family member is not left alone in the ER.

But Blue Bike Man had no one.  Not that he was sad about that mind you – I don’t think he knows the difference really.  But I was sad about it.  I think he deserves better.

We learned some new things about our friend during this hospitalization – turns out someone is his legal guardian. 

And learning that fact made me angry.  Because that is where my false assumptions came in… 

“How can you be this old man’s guardian and not take care of him??  Leave him on the street, with no food???” I thought, judging whoever was responsible very harshly.

When I stepped back and tried to consider the situation, I knew that my assumptions could be way off base.  Maybe Blue Bike Man was actually an abusive father.  Maybe he had sucked the family dry of money.  Maybe the family had tried over and over and over and had come to their wits end…

There were options that could explain it all, but in my mind I still silently judged.

There were glimmers of hope – the case manager may have found a place that would accept him! 

And flashes of rage – the people listed as contacts in his medical chart wouldn’t even pick up the phone when the hospital called.

The message I got from David was that they had found a memory care place in Richmond, VA that would take him.  I was relieved!!  He would have a bed.  And a shower.  And meals.  And medication if he needed it.

Then David called with more news:  the person listed as legal guardian had called the hospital back and said NO to the Richmond placement.

I was so sad.  Would they rather see him on the street than housed??  How could they do that??  The case manager said that the guardian was coming to the hospital to pick Blue Bike Man up, so David could go home now.  

So many thoughts rushed through my head…  What if the person abused him?  What if they took advantage of him somehow?  What if they injured him??  He couldn’t stand up for himself.

We decided to go back to the hospital to meet the guardian (who I had secretly made out to be a villain in my mind).  We would say goodbye to our friend, hopefully get the contact info for the guardian, and explain that she should come to our house to get his bike.

As we waited, the 3 of us we chatted and laughed.  Blue Bike Man ate more hospital food (he packed a lot of food in during his 24 hour stay!!).  And then finally, the woman I had decided was a bad person before meeting her stepped into the room.

And she was quiet.  And soft.  And looked at our friend and said, “Do you know who I am??”. 

There was a glimmer in his eye.  He DID seem to recognize her!!  He couldn’t put a name to her face, but he did seem to remember her somehow.

She spoke of her father, who grew up with our friend and was one of his best buddies.  Oh, Blue Bike man smiled at that!  Yes, he remembered that man.  “I am his daughter,” the guardian explained.

And as we heard more, everything fell into place.  Her not answering the hospital’s calls – made perfect sense.  Her not wanting him to go to Richmond – understandable. 

And she was willing to take him into her small apartment, even though others around her warned her not to and that it would be unsafe…  It was obviously a heart wrenching choice for her, but she had promised someone important to her that she would take care of Blue Bike Man, and she was trying to keep her word.

In the end, we understand the situation better now.  It is not resolved – our friend will very likely be back out on the street soon.  And, as I recounted to the guardian what the case manager had said, people like our friend will likely do better on the street.  He would be miserable in a care facility.

I gave the guardian a big hug and told her that if he ends up back on the streets, it will not be because she didn’t try.  And it will not be because she failed.  And that she needs to take care of herself and her family, too.

She got tears in her eyes.  She realized the complexity of what she was taking on (this was not her first time housing him).  She gave us her phone number and I sent her a text telling her where his bike is so that she has our contact info, too.

I hope we get to see him again.  Maybe he will show up one day and peek in the Little Yellow Free Pantry to see if there is a fruit cup waiting for him.  If we see him, I will rush out and give him his bike back.  He might not remember me, but I bet he remembers that blue bike.

Oh, I said this was also a story of perfect timing.

In the midst of all of this sadness and stress, look what I found on our front porch today…

With this sweet note.

The neighbor who dropped this gift off didn’t know what I was going through.  She just had perfect timing.  This was what I needed tonight: a living room scented with lilacs and the reminder that even the tiniest things can make a huge difference.